Often, I find myself having to remind my friends of this ugly fact. Intelligent people, all of them, my pals forget that the average American cannot be bothered to be a smart voter, an active member in their government, or at the very least a silent observer willing to admit voluntary negligence. Instead, they pledge themselves recklessly to a cause that sounds good. Why? Perhaps they find it entertaining, or perhaps they – heaven’s forbid – hate thinking for themselves, or hell it might even be the “lemming effect” wherein they do not question but instead mindlessly follow because it sounds right.

All sides of the political truncated rhombic triacontahedron are guilty of this, and never is this more apparent than in the now year long debate over healthcare reform. The lines have been quite clearly drawn and the American people are growing louder and louder. But why? Do they have a clue – or even a fleeting fancy – about what they are so gloriously yelling about? I highly doubt it. Why?

There’s the obvious reason that the bill is a whopping 2,000+ pages long. Then there’s the evil that is televised pundits ruling prime time with their ratings-generating banter that is more self-serving than purchasing a $7000.00 sex robot. However, the real culprit is apathy. Carelessness. Failure to educate. Call it what you will, but your average American doesn’t give a damn.

If they did, a televised 7 hour debate concerning one of the most important pieces of legislature generated by the Congress and President would not be viewed by fewer than 1% of the population when posted on YouTube.

Maybe it’s the lack of flashy graphics, big-boobed anchor women, or Glenn Beck’s infamous chalk board. I say hire John Madden to do color commentary on the damn thing. SOMETHING to make people quit bitchin’ without a damn good reason to. Americans complain they aren’t getting the unadulterated truth. Here it is, and here’s to ignoring it.

For those keeping score, this is not the first time Murakami has combined with an American pop culture star to create something…unique. Kanye West has also lent his considerable fame to the cause of representing the otaku movement (though thankfully not sporting a Dragon Ball Z fright wig).

Of course, Kanye’s video also doesn’t sport tastefully timed upskirt shots of Ms. Dunst like Mr. McG’s video does. Yes, foolish mortals, Dunst dons the Japanese wet-dream-generating outfit for a full, four minute long music video replete with school girls, nonsensical close ups of random dudes’ faces, and softcore anime backdrops.

At this point I probably don’t have to say it, but still…what the fuck?

Sadly, the following 10 songs were not only known by them, but thoroughly appreciated as “old school classics” which they gleefully danced and sang to. Why must life be so unfair?

10. Rednex – Cotton Eyed Joe (1994)

9. Will Smith – Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It (1998)

8. Ino Kamoze – Here Comes The Hotstepper (1994)

7. 69 Boyz – Tootsee Roll (1994)

6. Quad City DJ’s – C’mon N Ride It (1996)

Apparently, the Quad City DJs are one of a smattering of musicians that feel they need to delete every “free” version of their music videos from the interwebs. Those douches.

5. MC Hammer – U Can’t Touch This (1990)

Mr. Hammer, on the other hand, just doesn’t want the videos to travel past YouTube.

4. House of Pain – Jump Around (1992)

3. Haddaway – What is Love (1993)

2. Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back (1992)

I want a butt-shaped trampoline.

1. C&C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat (1990)

The Plot: L. Ron Hubbard’s ‘10 Easy Steps to Founding Your Make Believe Religion’ meets ‘Fullmetal Alchemist’ in World War II

It’s the day everyone has feared in the United States! The PanAsian Empire – a conglomeration of all squinty eyed, bad driving people from the wicked East – has invaded our beloved country. Americans are turned into indentured servants, Asian Americans are systematically killed off for being “half breeds”, and the mighty PanAsian force has turned the  entire country into a police state.

Enter the merry band of Americans based in the aptly named Citadel. Stationed deep below the Colorado Rockies, a half dozen scientists, a lawyer-turned-hobo, and an untested army major find themselves the lone resistance group left in the country. Luckily, they have a plan. Using the power of controlled fusion reactions, they will wow the world with a new religion, the high church of Mota. Miracles, made possible by portable fusion power staves, wielded by the church’s many priests, will become their weapon against their oppresors. Can this small group of men convince a nation to follow them? Will the superstitious, honorable suicide prone PanAsian forces stop them  before they get started? Is Bill Shatner actually damn near 80 years old??? Read on to find out more!

Loudest Heinlein-ism(s): SCIENCE!!!

Given that this story was originally written in 1941, it’s understandable that Heinlein treats atomic science as the end-all, be-all super weapon. He equips his pseudo-church with essentially magic wands that grant their wielder God-like powers. They can manipulate matter around them to create an impervious shield, generate halos around their heads, render select groups of people unconscious, transmutate mountainsides into massive Churches for their fast-growing  faith, levitate matter, shield matter  from the visible spectrum, and cause human bodies to implode via atomic separation.

Something bizarrely unlike Heinlein is the rampant racial insensitively laced throughout the novel. Seeing as this was written the same year as the Pearl Harbor attack, there is, at least, a somewhat legitimate reason behind the attitudes, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t outlandish and sometimes even hilarious. All the Americans in the tale speak in  general stereotypes about the PanAsian forces, and wouldn’t you know those crazy PanAsians adhere to pretty much all of them. To them, all Americans look the same. They find all Western religions to be amusing. They are terribly superstitious. And they loves them some suicide if they screw up. At one point, the Honorable Prince of the PanAsian contingent in the Western Colony has to lay down a mandate forbidding honorable suicides because so many of his men had resorted to self-inflicted death due to dishonors done upon them by the High Priests of the church of Mota.

And then there’s the magic Church of Mota staves. Apparently different races of the  human species vibrate at different electro-gravitational-temporal-magnetic spectras, thus permitting the use of the staves to kill, maim, and eviscerate select races. Imagine a chemical bomb that only kills Jews in Grand Central Station and you get the general idea. This particular setting for  the staves gets ample usage throughout the story, and makes for some wholy insensitive yet entertaining story moments designed to mimic biblical miracles.

The Verdict: To be fair, ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ is not an original Heinlein creation. Apparently, Heinlein had to TONE DOWN the racial insensitivity originally present in the story written by John W. Campbell. Heinlein himself admitted he didn’t do a great job of cleaning up that particular aspect of the tale…hard to do as the entire plot kind of henges upon the Anti-Asian-Fusion-Bombs. If you can get passed the blatant Asian hatred laced throughout the plot, you’ll find Heinlein’s typical storytelling brilliance on full display, as the novel is fast paced, exciting, and the science fiction is fantastic.

8 of 10 Peanuts

The Plot: Kevin Kline’s ‘Dave’…in SPACE.

Welcome to the future, folks, where humanity apparently still behaves like an ass. The United States of America is still strangely suspicious of international politics and only begrudgingly participates in them, mankind still fears minorities, and Ron Paul-types are planning not-so-hostile takeovers. Our particular Ron Paul doppelganger is Mr. John Joseph Bonforte, a benevolent politician friendly with Martians, Venetians, and capitalism. In the midst of a massively powerful political move, Bonforte is kidnapped, threatening his platform and his life.

Enter Lawrence Smith, the greatest actor not worth a dime and the complete antithesis of what Bonforte stands for. Malfunction occurs at the spaceport junction, and Smith finds himself whisked away to do what he does best: Act. Like your typical Hollywood drama queen, Lawrence must BECOME Bonforte in order to play Bonforte, as he’s asked to not just convince the general populace but also some of Bonforte’s closest friends.

Loudest Heinlein-ism(s): LIBERTARIANS ARE THE FUTURE! FLEE BEFORE THEIR GREATNESS!

As the novel progresses, Bonforte becomes almost Christ-like with his brilliant combination of loving care and political Rico Suave’ abilities. It’s like giving Glenn Beck the ability to cure cancer and save the free market economy at the same time (clarification: Glenn Beck is Christ-like only in his own little mind). Lawrence starts out an arrogant little git who is xenophobic and anti-all-things-political. He’s a homegrown American, dammit, and American’s don’t do things the way this bizarre man is doing. Slowly, in studying his body double, Lawrence begins to assimilate Bonforte’s beliefs into his psyche, eventually becoming one of the man’s disciples and Bonforte’s greatest front man. He’s the John the Baptist to Bonforte’s Jesus, willing to die in the service of his lord and savior of the galaxy.

The Verdict: It’s a fun little fast-paced story that nearly abandons its Science Fiction basis halfway in, where the focus suddenly shifts from an action-packed weird Mars to trying to win an election without your party’s leader while a facsimile is left holding the pieces together. That being said, I was shocked to find out that ‘Double Star’ won the Hugo Award for 1956, as this book doesn’t come close to touching the brilliance of other winners.

7 of 10 Peanuts

Robert Heinlein is, by many historical accounts, grand vizier of Science Fiction. He brought the genre to mainstream. He foretold the advent of many technologies. He proved science fiction could approach and discuss mature subject matter. And he loved him some polygamous relationships. Along with Arthur Clarke and Isaac Asimov, Heinlein laid (giggidy) the stepping stones for mainstream acceptance and proclaimed the arrival of the sci-fi novel, and many of his works have influenced mankind’s advancement. In short, his books have slowly become a reality, making his plots and worlds less storytelling and more Nostre-fucking-damus predictions.

The Plan: Read through a comprehensive bibliography of Heinlein’s works, covering every Heinlein “era”, from his first novel to his posthumously published journals.

The Attack Pattern: Alpha-Daddy-Tango-2-Beta. In layman’s terms, stacking Dad’s girthy,1970s-printed Heinlein collection in order of publish date and trucking forward while trying not to be weirded out by the blue-edged pages of his copy of Starman Jones. The Current Reading List is as follows:

• The Day After Tomorrow
• Waldo
• Magic, Inc.
• Rocket Ship Galileo
• Between Planets
• The Puppet Masters
• The Rolling Stones
• Starman Jones
• Revolt in 2100
• The Star Beast
• Tunnel in the Sky
• Double Star
• Time for the Stars
• Have Space Suit – Will Travel
• Starship Troopers
• The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
• Stranger in a Strange Land
• Podkayne of Mars
• I Will Fear No Evil
• Grumbles from the Grave

***As I complete each book, a brief review will be posted on this site with the general stupidity you come to love interlaced with ::gasp:: some accidental intelligent thought.***

If you feel there is a must-read title missing, please let me know (I know I really must try to find Time Enough for Love to make this list complete with his “classics).

The Why: Aside from the obvious reason of discovering this gargantuan collection while packing, I figure if you’re gonna try to write Sci-Fi yourself, you’d best have the basics down first…and who better to learn the basics from then Mr. Robert Heinlein?

My sixteen month experiment living in South Texas is coming to a close. I’m returning to the city that Wall Street built.

I find myself strangely saddened by this. Part of me feels I’m running home with my tail between my legs, attempting to rewind time and/or completely delete 2009 from the history of Michael A. Russell. However, like it or not, Texas was my life from August of 2008 until now and it would be simply foolish to think I have not changed and grown because of my experiences here. I learned a great deal about what kind of family man, lover, friend, employee, and coworker I am. Of course, I also learned how deficient I am in certain areas, and what areas I will never again compromise for the sake of less important things.

So yea, 2009 wasn’t a complete waste. Life in Texas may have even been a good thing. Some of the lessons learned during my sixteen month excursion within this dusty realm include:

• Just how precious loved ones are. Living in total isolation several hundred miles from every person dear to you will really hammer home the need to cherish every moment spent with those you love. I had the time of my life every vacation took with my friends and family because I wanted the memories to last a lifetime.
• A city of 120,000 people without a bookstore speaks volumes to the kinds of people you live around.
• Everyone who complains about their workload in the standard 40 hours per week workplace needs to experience oilfield. The men and women I worked with deserve medals for the hours they work and lifestyles they are willing to endure for their job. I’m convinced that – outside of the military – you will never find any harder workers.
• The greatest cliche of them all – money will not buy you happiness. In fact it only hampers it, as seen by my now having the inconvenience of an apartment filled with nice things  which need to be moved. We become attached to all that consumerist crap we buy in life, and the more we bury ourselves in it, the harder it becomes to move without it.

So, I bid Texas – and my life in oilfield – a farewell. To those clowns who made the mistake of associating themselves with me over the past year and a half, I can only say thank you. Given that insanity is always a short trip away for me, I can happily say I would not have survived without your insanity levels making mine look mild by comparison. You were always there with a horrid sex joke, a sarcastic insult, and a genuine care that helped me enjoy more time here than I care to admit. But let’s face it…New York and Florida do not a South Texan make.

Hopefully in the next week I’ll be breaking the Mean Machine in on his first cross country road trip. If only I had a travel partner…then I could totally rock out like Goofy and Max!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Carlos – mid-20’s white-hispanic male raised in the South.

Glenn – mid-20’s caucasian male raised in the South.

Amalis – late-30’s hispanic female born in America and raised in Puerto Rico.

Hector – mid-60’s hispanic male.

NOTE ON NON-SPEAKING SCENES

With the sheer scope of scenes presented in such a sort time span, the short scenes composed strictly of imagery are intended as “break” periods, used to both show the passage of time and to allow the change of scenery to occur without such a harsh movement from one Scene to another. They are meant to be portrayed more as photographs of specific moments in the trip than anything else, although it is up to the Director to decide how these “transition” scenes are to be handled on stage.

SCENE ONE

(Interior of a small bar. The wall behind the bar is dominated by a vibrant mural of El Moro. One weak fan turns lazily overhead. The room is filled with the heavy density of people, heat, and sweat. Scattered conversations, kitchen clangs, and the cheap stereo can be heard from every corner. CARLOS and GLENN sit at a corner table, both gripping Coronas. Glenn, sweating profusely, constantly dabs his forehead with a towel. Carlos is fiddling with his digital camera. Their pale complexions are in stark contrast with the rest of the bar’s crowd.)

CARLOS

I still can’t believe it.

GLENN

Will you get over it, already?

CARLOS

Why? It’s an amazing shot.

GLENN

So I’ve heard ever since we left the damn airport.

CARLOS

You’re just jealous.

GLENN

Yea, Chuck, you caught me. I’m jealous! How silly of me to not notice that. I see it now. I’m jealous that I didn’t waste eight hundred dollars.

CARLOS

It wasn’t a waste! Think of everything we’re gonna see. This baby’ll be a life saver in the end. Besides, no other camera could’ve gotten this picture from an airplane window.

GLENN

Ah yes, that’s what the eight hundred dollars were for. Aerial shots of Puerto Rico as we’re flying in. We’ll buy disposable cameras the rest of the way to make sure we save room on your memory sticks for those moments.

CARLOS

I’m glad I can always count on you to look after my financial expenditures.

(pause)

I just can’t wait to see it up close. Not everyday you get to see something like that.

GLENN

You wanna see it so badly, just turn around.

(GLENN gestures at the mural behind the bar.)

There’s your mighty fort!

CARLOS

Jackass.

GLENN

Why thank you, I try.

CARLOS

You’re just still upset about last night.

(pause)

It’s not my fault the damn place had no A/C.

(pause)

Look Glenn, I’m sorry. Cheer up bud, we’re finally here! The land where the women are hotter and the beers are cheaper!

GLENN

Chuck, you really suck at cheering people up, you know that?

CARLOS

I know, bud. I just didn’t want this trip to sta-

GLENN

Start so badly, Chuck? Well it wouldn’t have been so bad if we had simply had our luggage lost…or if the “luxury condo” we’re staying in had no A/C…or running water for that matter. But those mosquitoes last night…well that was pretty much the boiling point for me.

(GLENN takes a large swig from his beer and slams it down onto the table. CARLOS snaps a picture of GLENN just as he releases a tremendous belch.)

What the hell was that for, Chuck!?!

CARLOS

I wanted evidence of how much of a pig you’ve become lately.

GLENN

You couldn’t have waited until the day before my weekly shower?

CARLOS

First off…gross. Secondly, I just wanted to be able to show you how grouchy you were this time next week, because by the end of this week you’re gonna be the happiest man alive.

(GLENN glances around the bar at all the female patrons.)

GLENN

Well, all the women around here do seem to have that awful disease of Big Assitits.

(GLENN watches as a waitress walks by, then proceeds to chug the rest of his beer.)

Alright then, Chuck. What’s the game-plan?

CARLOS

Well, we have those tickets for the horseback riding thing on the beach, and then there’s the rainforest…and of course we have to go see El Moro.

GLENN

Yea, yea, yea…I’ve heard enough about that fort to make my head spin…What about that graveyard thing?

CARLOS

Eh, just gotta get a picture and we’ll be done with it. My cousin’s dad’ll know where to look.

GLENN

Sounds good. Garcon! Una Cerveca por favor!

CARLOS

That was awful…and partly French, I might add.

GLENN

I.E., it was slightly better than your cracker-Spanish. Mine possesses French sophistication.

CARLOS

Hey, I’ve been working on it, you know.

GLENN

Well I still one-up you. Not only can I say when I’m hungry, sleepy, or need to find the bathroom, but I also know how to ask for the most important thing of all…more beer!

CARLOS

You really must work hard at being that big of a moron.

GLENN

It’s a gift…So what now?

CARLOS

What? Already tired of the bar?

GLENN

I could’ve found a bar back home to sit in…one where I’d be the only sweat-coated animal in the place. C’mon, Chuck! It’s Puerto Rico! Find us something native to do!

CARLOS

Well, the rainforest is about an hour from here…and if Mama’s directions are any sort of reliable, then we could go see my 80-something year old great-aunt. I’m sure she’ll make us one helluva dinner…

GLENN

…And?

CARLOS

And? What do you mean ‘and’?

GLENN

Ohhh no, Chuck. What are you hiding bud?

CARLOS

Hiding? Who said I’m hiding something?

GLENN

I said you are. You never mentioned any relatives before today. What’s going on?

CARLOS

Nothing major. Mama just wants me to see some family members while we’re here.

GLENN

Uhuh.

CARLOS

Don’t worry about it. C’mon. Let’s get going and see everything this little island has to offer.

(The two men pay their tab, then squeeze their way out of the bar as the noise in the bar rises. )

END SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

(Traveling. Cramped, one-lane roads filled with shops. People. The path in the rainforest. Waterfall. Mountains on the beach. Family. The vagrant in the trash heap. Sunset. More family. More people. That woman at the mall. Dancing in the club. Hangover.)

END SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE

(Two days later. Small house with a large porch. Sunlight creases through the blinds and a cool breeze passes through the front screen door. AMALIS is seated in the couch nearest to the fan, with a crossword puzzle-book in hand. GLENN and CARLOS step up to the screen door. GLENN is panting heavily and sweating everywhere. CARLOS holds his camera firmly to his face, taking pictures of the scenery.)

GLENN

You sure about this place?

CARLOS

Well, if I’m wrong we found one helluva view…Excuse me?! Anyone home?!

AMALIS

Yes yes yes. Just let me get my slippers on. Be right with you!

GLENN

(under his breath)

Yeesh, what a voice.

CARLOS

Shhhh!…Oh, uh hi…My name is Carlos Hernandez, and I was just wondering if my cousin Ama-

AMALIS

OHHH CARLITO!!! Oh my goodness it’s been so long. Look at how much you’ve grown! How are you!?! How’s Mama and Papa? Oh I’m so sorry, smearing lipstick all over you like that…Please come in, come in! Titi Milagro said you stopped by her place for dinner and warned me you might be coming over but I didn’t think she meant in two days. Oh look at this place all wrecked and everything. Not my fault mind you…its just the kids and…oh! There I go again! Please sit down…would you like something to drink?

CARLOS

Water’s fine.

GLENN

Lot’s of ice if at all possible.

AMALIS

Here you go, Carlito. I’m so sorry senior, but we don’t have a freezer…but I did let the water run until it was nice and cool. Now I need to go freshen up and make a few phone calls. Titi told me why you’re here and, well caught me in the middle of the day really. I’ll be back pronto!

(AMALIS nearly charges down the hallway towards the back rooms of the house.)

GLENN

Well I’m glad that wasn’t weird.

CARLOS

Hey Glenn, look at this. A model of El Moro. It’s a lot nicer than that one we bought. Go figure.

GLENN

Chuck…

CARLOS

Damn this thing is sturdy. You could kill a man with this thing.

GLENN

Chuck, what in the blue hell is going on? What just happened?

CARLOS

Well, I’m pretty sure that’s my cousin and we’re in the right place.

GLENN

Schmuck. Answer the question.

CARLOS

What? She recognized me, brought us into her house, and gave us some refreshments.

GLENN

Is she the one we’ve been looking for?

CARLOS

No, her father is.

GLENN

Another hurdle.

CARLOS

No, last stop, I swear. She’s the only daughter Uncle Hector talks to anymore…

GLENN

According to who? You’re great aunt? The lady’s like two hundred years old. I’m surprised she even knew what a camera was.

CARLOS

Look, Mama said to find Milagro and she’d know where to go from there. Well, she told us to come here.

GLENN

No, she told us to go find his daughters.

CARLOS

Well, third daughter’s the charm, right?

GLENN

I hope so, Chuck. This little trek of yours is eating into my vacation time.

(pause)

You’re cousin sure chose one strange as hell place to park herself.

CARLOS

You don’t want to live on top of a mini-mountain when you settle down?

GLENN

Not after the experience of dragging my fat ass up here.

CARLOS

God forbid you get any exercise.

GLENN

Hey now…like five years ago I would’ve made you eat those words, Chuck.

CARLOS

And nowadays..?

GLENN

I sulk and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching The View. Dumbass.

(They both burst out laughing as AMALIS returns, looking like the Duchess of the Ball.)

AMALIS

Look at that I’m missing all the fun. Well no worries there’ll be much much more to come. So I know you’re looking for Papi, so I called him and I told him, ‘Papi Hector, Carlito wants to see you right away,’ and let me tell you the man would not shut up for the next two minutes. Anyway he wants to see you again…you know he hasn’t seen you since you were a baby…and I told him to stop on by for dinner. Oh and he called Junior, Ariana, and Gaby…they should all be headed over here too! And of course all the kids’ll be here. I’m making roast pork. Should only take three hours but’ll be well worth it! You know Mama taught me the recipe so you know its gonna be good!

CARLOS

Whoa, wait a second! I’m really glad everyone wants to come over, but Glenn and I don’t really have that much time to stay here. I mean, we’ve got some plans over in Aguadilla and-

AMALIS

But you must stay! Everyone can’t wait to see you! Please just stay for a little bit until they all get here. Papi told me he was even gonna pull out all the stops and bring his Bacardi stash with me…that’s if the old coot can remember to. ‘After all, family is family,’ he kept saying…you have to love him sometimes. Please do stay Carlito. You and Mr. Glenn are more than welcome…and you did need to speak with Papi, right?

GLENN

Look hun, we’d really love to stay. I dunno about Chuck, but I can’t get enough of his family’s home cooking…been eating it every night…but we have these tickets for a horseback riding tour and both of us could use a break from this wild goose chase for you’re great-grandfather’s-

CARLOS

What Glenn is trying to say is we worked really hard for this vacation time and get out here to see Puerto Rico, but what Mama’s asked for us to do is really starting to eat away at that time. Is there any chance we can’t just call your dad and ask him where Papa Chimino is buried?

AMALIS

Um, sure Carlito. Sure. I’ll be right back.

(AMALIS wanders back down the hall. GLENN and CARLOS begin talking in hushed tones.)

CARLOS

Glenn, we should probably stay…

GLENN

C’mon, Chuck. You’re letting this whole thing eat at you. This is a wild goose chase and you know it. We only have three more days here. Do you seriously wanna spend them driving all over God’s creation just to find a gravestone and take a picture of it? Or would you rather get out there and see everything Puerto Rico is? I know you wanna make your grandmother happy, bud. I do too. She’s always been a saint to me…but this isn’t going to happen. You’re just gonna keep running all over the place and never stop to smell the mosquito-infested flowers.

(CARLOS starts to say something, but stops as AMALIS returns.)

AMALIS

I’m sorry boys, but Papi’s not home. He must’ve already left. He should be here in a few hours. Long drive from Ponce’ after all.

GLENN

Can’t we call him on his cell phone?

AMALIS

Papi doesn’t have a cell phone.

GLENN

Of course not. Chuck, any chance we can’t just swing back over here on our way back to San Juan?

CARLOS

Not if we want to see El Moro before we leave.

(pause)

Glenn it’s getting late and the tour starts at sunset. You go ahead and take the car to Aguadilla and…I dunno, find a pretty lady to go with you. I’ll call for a cab and meet you at the hotel over there later. I’m not gonna make you wait around anymore. I’ll stay here and see if I can’t pick my Uncle’s brains for some answers. Here, take my camera. Get some pictures of you getting shot down by every woman along the way.

GLENN

…C’mon, Chuck…

CARLOS

Nah, it’s okay. Come on. I’ll walk you down the hill in case you keel over or something. I’ll be right back, Amalis.

AMALIS

Sure no problem…Goodbye Mr. Glenn! It was nice meeting you. Come back anytime you’re in the country again!

(GLENN and CARLOS step out onto the porch. GLENN gets to the bottom step and stops.)

CARLOS

What’s the matter, bud? Winded already?

GLENN

No, you assclown…I can’t leave. That’s the problem.

CARLOS

Would you look at that. Glenn’s getting all soft on me. Come on, boss…you wanna go…go!

GLENN

Yes, I do want to go…and those tickets were damn expensive…but, ah bloody hell. I can’t miss a chance to go back in there and hit on your very attractive older cousin, now can I? Besides, I think you’ll wanna keep this big ole’ camera of yours around for when all those long lost relatives of yours come out of the woodwork to see the prodigal son return to his blood land.

CARLOS

Hey now, I don’t waste my money all that often…and dude…she’s like 35 or something, and a single mom…not to mention a relative of mine so you know she’s gotta be crazy.

GLENN

Like that’s ever stopped me. I think you just don’t want a bunch of little Glenns running around in your family tree…Besides, you need a guy like me around.

CARLOS

You? And what, pray tell, are you any good for?

GLENN

I’m the life of the party! Or have you forgotten my pant-less campaign back in college?

CARLOS

How could I. Just do me a favor and don’t go running around here in your speedo…you don’t fit into it anymore.

GLENN

Oh, it’s a fat joke. I get it.

(GLENN pats CARLOS on the shoulder and the two walk back up the steps and into the house.)

END SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

(Night, same day. Loud laughter and shouts chase CARLOS out onto the porch. He walks over to the corner of the porch and looks out into the night. The only light comes from one porch light situated in the corner CARLOS stands in. He turns around suddenly when the door swings open to permit the considerable bulk of HECTOR through the door. HECTOR lights a cigar and sits himself in the opposite corner of CARLOS.)

HECTOR

Your friend is quite the interesting person.

CARLOS

How so?

GLENN

(from inside)

UNO BITCHES!!!

CARLOS

…he does that sometimes.

HECTOR

Certainly knows how to handle his 151.

CARLOS

He’s had a lot of practice lately.

HECTOR

At least he’s having a good time.

CARLOS

Oh, well I’m just about all partied out.

HECTOR

I see.

(long pause)

You know, Carlos. You remind me a lot of someone I knew.

CARLOS

I highly doubt that.

HECTOR

I meant it as a compliment.

CARLOS

I wouldn’t see why.

HECTOR

So sure of himself he was. Always convinced he was doing what’s right. That he had all the answers. He could never stand it when he didn’t have one. Beat himself up over it every time.

CARLOS

I thought you said you were complimenting me.

HECTOR

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know more and to be sure of yourself. It leads us places we never expected to be.

(AMALIS’ children come flying out the door, pursued by GLENN. He has two beers in hand.)

GLENN

Come here you little rascals. Imma getcha! You just watch!

(The children run around on the porch, GLENN right behind them, before charging right back into the house. GLENN stops at the door.)

I love these guys, Chuck! Best workout I’ve had in years.

(One child returns and kicks GLENN in the shin. GLENN crumples to the ground.)

Did I mention most pain I’ve ever been in?…Come here you little brat! One leg or two, I’m still gonna get you!

(GLENN pulls himself back inside.)

(pause)

CARLOS

Where’d did he wind up that he didn’t expect to?

HECTOR

What?

CARLOS

The guy I remind you of…where’d he go? What’d he do?

HECTOR

He went to New York, and met a beautiful Latina raised in the Bronx. Started a family over there. Served in World War II, received a couple of Purple Hearts. Started his own mechanic business after the war. Sent his first two kids to college on what little money he had.

CARLOS

Sound’s to me like this friend of yours was a decent enough guy.

HECTOR

He was my hero.

CARLOS

Excuse me?

HECTOR

I think every son has looked up to their father as a hero at some point in their lives.

CARLOS

Papa Chimino..?

(pause)

You were born in the States?

HECTOR

We all were. Your grandmother, me, Johnny, Rachel, Gina…

CARLOS

Why’d you all come back here? Why didn’t Mama move back?

HECTOR

Mami and Papa divorced. We came with Mami. You’re grandmother stayed to be with Papa…that and a certain guy from school had her love sick. You’re grandfather was quite the smooth talker back in his day.

(pause)

Did you know you’re great grandfather sold his car business to give your grandmother enough money to have a decent wedding?

(CARLOS shakes his head.)

He tried to fly us all back. Tried apologizing to Mami for hitting her. None of us came back. I heard your grandmother looked gorgeous that day.

(pause)

He came back here years later. Tried to find his kids. Mami never let him call us. I was the only one who let him come visit. Two weeks later, I found out he died.

(pause)

I was the only one who cared enough to bury him. Your grandma sent me a few dollars to help…but it still wasn’t enough.

(pause)

CARLOS

Uncle Hector…where is Chimino buried?

HECTOR

He’s not.

CARLOS

He’s not?

HECTOR

He’s all over Puerto Rico by now. I couldn’t afford to have him buried. I had him cremated. Had to lie to your grandmother, of course. Told her I found him a nice big plot of land with a gorgeous white tombstone right on the beach.

(pause)

I poured his ashes out in the military graveyard next to El Moro in Old San Juan. Figured it would make my lie a little truthful.

(pause)

I’m sorry, Carlos. You’re going to have to tell your grandmother that her father isn’t buried properly.

(GLENN stumbles back out onto the porch with CARLOS’ camera in hand.)

GLENN

Hey Carleeeeeto…haha! Chuck! You’re name is Chucklito now! Dude, you gotta see these pictures I took in there with Ariana and Junior. I got them to do my pose…you know the flex? Ahhh, whatever. Hey you two need to take a picture together. Wait, wait, wait…Chucklito needs a cigar! That’s better. Alright, on the count of three…the Hernandez family rocks! One…Two…wait shit the flash isn’t on. Hey, Chuck, how the hell do you turn the little light bulb on?

(GLENN fiddles with the front lens of the camera, only to bobble it and watch as it crashes to the floor.)

Oops.

END SCENE FOUR

SCENE FIVE

(Tearful goodbyes. Traveling. Thunderstorm. The flat tire. The guy on the side of the road. Darkness. Sunrise. The Hotel Lobby. The packed bags.)

END SCENE FIVE

SCENE SIX

(Middle of the afternoon on the beach. Several white tombstones line the shore, many cracked and unreadable due to exposure to the harsh tropical weather. In the distance, the impressive mass of El Moro Fort stands upon its rocky cliff. CARLOS and GLENN stand among the tombstones. GLENN is holding a disposable camera.)

GLENN

Nice breeze. I may only lose five pounds today.

(pause)

What time’s our flight tomorrow?

CARLOS

Eight, I think.

GLENN

Kinda early…

(pause)

Really don’t wanna get back to that God forsaken office. Myers is bound to have left a report the size of Texas on my desk.

CARLOS

Shit happens.

(long pause. CARLOS kneels down and starts reading the names off of the tombstones that are legible. GLENN turns and takes a picture of El Moro.)

GLENN

You weren’t joking, Chuck. That is a sight to behold.

(pause. CARLOS continues to wander from tombstone to tombstone.)

Think we still have time to go and take the tour of the place? Chuck?

(pause. CARLOS stands up and walks further up the beach, then kneels down and places one hand in the dirt.)

CARLOS

I failed her, Glenn. I failed her, and I failed you.

GLENN

You haven’t failed anyone, Chuck.

CARLOS

You know you suck at cheering people up?

GLENN

We all can’t be as good as you are when it comes to these things.

(pause)

CARLOS

What do I take back to her? I can’t bring this beach with me.

(pause. CARLOS laughs to himself.)

You were right, bud. The camera was a huge waste of money. I could’ve just put some dirt in a jar from anywhere on this damn island and brought it back to her. It’s all the same. ‘He’s everywhere,’ after all.

GLENN

You still have the pictures that are on the memory card. They all came out nice.

CARLOS

Pictures of what, Glenn?!? A shitty little waterfall? A busted trail in the middle of a humid jungle from hell? A couple of relatives who alienated themselves from my grandmother? My lying ass Uncle?

GLENN

(under his breath)

Actually, I didn’t get a picture of him before I fumbled the camera.

CARLOS

Could you turn the wise-ass remarks off for once in your life? My God, it’s like this whole damn trip was a joke! I don’t need a jerk-off who thinks he’s a stand-up comedian constantly reminding me of that!

(long pause. GLENN glares at CARLOS, then throws the camera in the sand at his feet.)

GLENN

Alright, Chuck, have it your way. I’ll be in the hotel room.

(GLENN walks off towards the city. CARLOS watches as GLENN walks away. After a time he stands up, and begins to pace on the beach. He suddenly storms over to where the camera is sitting, grabs it up and heads towards the water. He rears his hand back and prepares to throw the camera in the water, when sand from his hand falls into his eyes, stopping his throw.)

CARLOS

Fuck! Of course. Shithole island.

(pause. CARLOS tries to rub his eyes clean but to no avail.)

To hell with it. Not even worth the effort.

(pause. CARLOS drops the camera and makes another attempt at clearing his eyes. This time he succeeds. He sits down on the beach and stares at the tombstones.)

Must be convenient…having a tombstone that you can’t even read. People don’t have to know where you are then…they’ve done their damn part…put you in a decorated hole and then forget about you. It’s a meaningless gesture designed to just comfort the living. Otherwise…

(pause. CARLOS picks up the camera, stands up and begins to wind it.)

Otherwise, you never forget them, or the pain of not doing what you’re supposed to do…it eats at you…consumes you til your own dying day…

(CARLOS walks over to the most faded tombstone of them all. He angles himself so that El Moro towers behind the tombstone, and takes a picture. He kneels besides the tombstone. He grabs a handful of sand and rubs it over the top of the tombstone.)

Thank you, Chimino.

END PLAY

That’s right folks, tomorrow NASA is set to unveil it’s new “hover-capable, electric-powered, super-quiet personal VTOL (vertical takeoff and landing) aircraft”, or in layman’s terms: a frickin’ flying car! Ok so it’s just a concept right now but it hasn’t stopped the Jetsons theme from going off in my head.

Here’s the scoop. NASA (famous for putting people on far away rocks orbiting Earth) has come up with a little one manned plane that theoretically can achieve 30,000 feet. It’s called the Puffin, which is named after some bird that looks like it shouldn’t be physically able to fly. It will travel at speeds of around 150 mph but can obtain 300 mph when you’re late for work. With current tech it will have a range of about 50 miles per charge but that number is predicted to double or triple by the time it is actually built. Of course throw in the obvious environmental benefits of electric vehicles and the idea just gets better and better.

For now though, disregard the science and pay attention to the science fiction. Sure it has great potential use in the military but really we all know the truth: This little craft is destined to become personal transportation. From Scientific American: “Quieter aircraft  also mean that airports for civil applications such as personal travel and fast courier services could be located much closer to population centers and perhaps even residences without bothering others, significantly cutting down commute times.” Did you hear that, we’re finally getting the flying cars! And only 10 years late too.

Right now it’s just a concept video, but with sound science and brilliant minds behind it this thing is going to become a reality. I just hope they figure out the “folding into a briefcase” feature by the time it goes into production.

Source: [Gizmodo], [Scientific American]

~Mavi

Tonight. WWE Raw.

Need I say more?