Top 10 Revolutionary Games that Ruined Video Games

It does not take a genius to realize that video games have evolved greatly since the days of Pong and the Magnavox Odyssey. Born as an arcade distraction designed to steal quarters from all-too-willing teenagers, gaming has evolved into its own professional “sport” where socially deprived nerds may battle each other for supremacy over all Nerddom. With that evolution has come economic growth, mainstream recognition, weird fetishes over pre-teen Japanese school girls, and new innovations that have rapidly destroyed the hobby I once adored.

Whereas games like Goldeneye and Final Fantasy VII, Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time and Star Wars: X-Wing, Tetris and Portal all creatively pushed the gaming world to new heights, the following games – though sometimes wildly entertaining – introduced gamers to “innovations” that have overstayed their welcome and need to be curb stomped into oblivion.

# 10: Grand Theft Auto III – Open Worlds

“Can I interest you in some boring real estate opportunities?”

And over here, you can see the Statue of Happiness, a not too subtle knock against the Statue of Liberty. We figured ‘Hey, it’s supposed to be New York City, so let’s I dunno make it unnecessarily huge!’ We did the same thing with the Empire State Building, wait until you see THAT? Oh, why are they in the game? I really have no idea. It’s New York Babaaaay! We really don’t expect you to actually PLAY in any of these areas. That’s what the taxis are for.

# 9: ET: The Extra Terrestrial – Shitty Games Based on Movies

“So you’re making a licensed movie-based game…”

…naturally you must realize that this game is required to suck. You need a budget and a realistic release date? Too bad. The movie is coming out when the movie comes out. Oh, you actually thought we expect this to be good? We’re just here to make cheap money off of unsuspecting consumers.

# 8: Farmville – Casual Gaming on Facebook

“Hey, maybe my grandson wants to see this new pig I raised!?”

Hey, Johnny, why did you just de-friend me? I was just trying to tell you all about this awesome game we got Papa playing on my profile. He’s working really hard to garden from the armchair, lol! He was getting tired of waiting for another week to pass, so he bought 25,000 points for only 99 cents. You know, you could really save him a few dollars if you join now. Oh, and Aunt Donna wants you to take down that picture of her from the Halloween party. It’s unflattering.

# 7: Super Mario Brothers 3 – Massive Advertising Campaigns

“I love the Power Glove, it’s so bad.”

Alright, gentlemen, the Board Members are all in agreement: The best way to advertise this game is to blitzkrieg every other media outlet possible. I say we go with Johnson’s idea and build a whole movie around a reveal of the game. Maybe we should throw that shitty Power Glove in there, too? After all, there’s nothing like a little free advertising to trick a few kids out of their allowance money.

# 6: Everquest – Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games

“Before I give you that spell book, why don’t you go collect 20 bear pelts for me. I’m a bit cold.”

What, you want me to go get it? I’m not programmed to do that. Also, you’re the idiot paying $15 per month to do my chores for me. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, that female elf mage is actually some fat, sweaty dude from Brazil named Raul. Sending “her” money to come visit you in Minnesota was probably a bad idea.

# 5: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic – Western RPG ‘Storytelling’

“Let me tell you a little story…”

Now I know, you’re here to ask me about Jangor the Hutt and his possible political support for your cause. However, I’d much rather tell you about my life. I was born into serfdom on Ryloth. This has made me very bitter towards the Hutts. As a child, I dreamed of becoming a dancer on Corellia or perhaps the moons of Corulag. Alas, life has a way of making sure we Twi’lek are kept down. Perhaps I will shut up if you go talk to Booster Terrik in the corner over there, who will more than likely send you on some strange romp through the bowels of Taris that takes forever to complete. Once that is done, come back to me and I’ll tell you more about my drab life. Oh, you’re trying to save the world? Well as a teenager, I…

# 4: Guitar Hero – FUCK THIS, ITS NOT A GAME YOU ASSHOLES

“Take it to the garage!!!”

Whatever happened to discovering marijuana, deciding you’re a rocker, and assembling a shitty band of like minded individuals to ‘rock out’ in the garage with? These stupid plastic contraptions are so damn aggravating. I didn’t buy that big screen television and a Playstation for my son to play Freebird all damn morning and think he’s actually good at it. He should be streaming porn like a normal kid.

# 3: Halo 2 – 15 Year Olds with Headsets

“I’ve got a rocket launcher, mother fuckers!”

Dude, I’m such a fucking badass. My fucking log-in name ‘teabagging69’ tells all those mother fuckers online that I came to play. DEZ NUTZ R GUNNA BE ALL OVA YOUR FACE, BITCHEZ! I’m a damn master of the fucking shotgun. Fools come running round that fucking corner, and POW BITCHEZ HOWZ THAT FEEL?! GOBBLE ON DEZ NUTZ! What? Oh okay, mom, I’ll go take out the garbage…I love you too…FUCK THE CORPORATE WORLD!

# 2: Gears of War – 3^rd Person Shooters Map Layout

“May I interest you in some chest high walls?”

I’m telling you, Jim, this place is not built up to code. What if, just if, say in the future, half this place falls down in some war…most likely with aliens when you think about it. This thing needs to break in just the perfect way to provide cover for the survivors! Look, I ran the simulations in AutoCAD. If we just run the P-T cables ten feet to the left, we leave humanity a chance if they just so happen to get in a shootout right here.

Wii Sports – Motion Controls

“BEHOLD MY MAGIC DILDO WAND!”

Nothing else needs to be said. Damn you, Nintendo, for motion controls.