The Peanut Gallery Reviews ‘Mass Effect’

Before I kick into my totally retarded self, I feel compelled to say this: Mass Effect is the first truly “Mature” video game I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing. Most “Rated M – FOR MATURE” games only get that stamp because somebody drops an F-bomb, someone gets dismembered, gamers gets to go on murder sprees, or the gamer gets to play a mini game of simulated fellatio.

Actually, this game probably deserved all the crap it got. Really, Rockstar...what the hell is THAT

Mass Effect thankfully doesn’t stoop to such levels (although lesbian blue alien lovin’ capable of making Captain Kirk blush is a possible outcome of your decisions), and actually pursues a plot that is – GASP – aimed at gamers with an intelligence level above “GUNZZZ@!!!!! BOOM BLAM PLOW!!! BOOOOBIIIEE$$$!” Themes such as racism, social class, preemptive assaults, global politics, religion, and sexual preferences are just some of the many explored in insane depth during this space age romp across the stars. And when I say depth, I mean getting lectured to death by the Encyclopedia Brittanica about everything in the universe by the same dude that tells you to keep your hands and feet inside the roller coaster at Busch Gardens.

The folks down at BioWare went out of their way to make Mass Effect a fully realized universe, and wrote over a thousand years worth of history for their happy little version of the Milky Way. Talking to anyone in this universe is likely to cause said person to vomit a textbook on you of their personal history, family history, race history, financial status, green card, sexual preference, worst nightmare as a child, and whether or not the like their eggs sunny side up. The amount of detail is staggering and impressively voiced, if not always wanted or looked forward to. “Heaven’s forbid if you’re trying to bang out this high paced, action packed mission. First I must tell you about my forefathers’ forefather, who, on that fateful day – I believe it was 3000 years ago – found a booger in his anus, a wholly unprecedented moment in our race’s history.” DEAR GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME SHOOT STUFF.

Look, Lady, I really don't care what you found up your rather cute butt...could you please just stop talking, I want to shoot those people over there.

It’s an odd complaint to make, but sometimes Mass Effect is just too mature. While it is awe inspiring that BioWare was capable of making a game which made me actually stop and question the morality of my actions – at one point asking me to commit genocide, something that actually made me feel uncomfortable – I really really really didn’t need to be reminded 15 bloody times in 15 bloody different ways by the bloody trapped alien that I was capable of anihilating its entire bloody race. BLOODY HELL. FUCKIN’ SHITE. THE DOG’S BOLLOCKS. And other impressive British curses.

It’s really sad that “News Outlets” – such as the increasingly retarded CNN and MSNBC – chose to totally ignore the “artistic qualities” of this damn good game and instead became obsessed with the sex scene. As said before, you bang the blue chick in your party if you steer your relationship with her in a particular direction. Suddenly, idiots like Nancy Grace and Wolf Blitzer were referring to the infamous Microsoft “SEXBox” and decrying the folly of unregulated media marketed for children. It’s really too bad these people aren’t capable of removing the heads from their assholes to actually, oh I dunno, do legitimate reporting research prior to running an article. If they did, they would’ve found something to praise as moving the artform closer to universal acceptance. But its the news, so truth tends to avoid them with gusto.

Every time a news outlet messes up, Harry Truman laughs.

So yea. Mass Effect rocks. Only problem: It talks to much (just like me!)

Final Verdict – 9 of 10 Peanuts

A Reflection Upon Dan Brown’s ‘Angels and Demons’

After watching Ron Howard’s film based on Dan Brown’s ‘Angels and Demons’ novel, I found myself in a WalMart haphazardly purchasing a hard-cover copy of the novel because it was discounted at 70% off. I certainly had no immediate intentions of reading the book, especially considering my first attempt at it failed miserably not 50 pages in.

However, boredom is a terrible disease that leads us to seek refuge where we may, and as such I quickly found myself devouring this 500 page romp in less than a day. At first, I held the same feelings towards it as I did ‘The Da Vinci Code”: Brown’s reckless handling of history to make 24 hour thrillers is pure popcorn fluff meant to be read quickly and just as easily forgotten. As I turned through the pages, I found myself not so pleasantly surprised to find that ‘Angels’ and ‘Da Vinci’ share essentially the exact same plot with the exact same illogical plot twists and the exact same bland narrative involving historical symbology. I became increasingly convinced that Dan Brown’s sole reason for becoming such a world renowned author lay solely with his ability to drudge up quasi-fact from the Catholic Church’s past of a controversial nature and share it with the public.

This sentiment remained with me until I reached page 473, at which point Brown’s work struck a shocking cord within me. The scene is an emotionally charged one: The Pope’s Chamberlain, armed with the evidence of the Vatican’s immenent destruction at the hands of science, confronts the Council of Cardinals to plead with them and the general public – via BBC broadcast – to remember what the church is truly about now that it is seeing it’s darkest hour:

“Science has won…But science’s victory has cost every one of us. And it has cost us deeply…Science may have alleviated the miseries of disease and drudgery, but it has left us in a world without wonder… Even our self-worth as human beings has been destroyed. Science proclaims that planet Earth and its inhabitants are a meaningless speck in the grand scheme. A cosmic accident. Is it any wonder that humans now feel more depressed and defeated than they ever have? Have we become so spiritually bankrupt that we rather believe in mathematical impossibility than in a power greater than us? If the outside world could see the church as I do…they would see a modern miracle…a brotherhood of imperfect, simple souls wanting only to be a voice of compassion in a world spinning out of control.

I have often tried to convey to others my reasons for believing in a higher power, for believing there is something greater in this world, but feel as if I always fail in the face of “logical science.” ‘How – as an educated individual – can you possibly believe in an Almighty?’ people have asked me. I wish I was armed with this segment of this book, as I think it more than any other words I’ve ever used conveys a very basic principle I believe in: God and spirituality are not definable by the churches we attend, the faiths we practice, the methods we seek to see his work in this world. All those things are creations of man, an imperfect being seeking to describe perfection.

But this does not mean that those organizations, those separate faiths, are ‘evil’, ‘for the weak minded and ignorant’, or methods of control. Say what you will about Scientologists (and there is certainly a lot of negatives to be said both about their faith and their founding), but know that most devote Scientologists at their core are seeking a better way of life and are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but remember that most of the world’s relief efforts for the poor, the downtrodden, the sickly individuals discarded and stomped on by society are run by faithful Christians trying to save the world one person at a time.

I’ve often called organized religion a necessary evil, as it is a means of perpetuating the sound core of a faith even though it hampers progress as a result. The more I reflect on it, the more I realize that’s not a fair statement to make. Organized religions mistakes are not mistakes caused by a misguided belief in a God. They are the mistakes of man. To totally discount spirituality as a negative reaction to the downfalls of these organizations is foolish. It’s comparable to the scientist that quits designing medicines because his first concoction was used as a bioweapon. As with science, religion is riddled with the good and the bad, but its ultimate goal is still a worthy one. Why, then, does it fall to the wayside these days? Why do we take comfortable refuge in “mathematical impossibilities” instead of “a power greater than us”?

Needless to say, it’s highly upsetting that these words of brilliance are uttered by the primary antagonist of ‘Angels and Demons’, because I’m sure a great many people will immediately discredit anything he uttered before the big revelation of his motives as “crazed priest rambling about nonsense.” But perhaps, just perhaps, if we can remove Father Carlo’s words from the context of the book, and read them simply as an impassioned Catholic reaching out to a world turning a deaf ear to church walls, we can do as I did, and reexamine your own faith on equal ground.

WTF Wednesdays: Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service

I believe the term is 'Irony'.

Sigh.

So I’ve tried desperately over the past week to avoid writing ANYTHING to do with this train wreck. After all, the death of the “King of Pop” has generated more than it’s fair share of publicity, speculation, and reminiscing about the superstar of the 80’s and the Wacko Jacko of 1995-current. Was he a hero? Was he a child molestor? What is his legacy? How important was his impact on the modern world? Why did he die? Why does any of this matter!?

Yes, the man made great music and did a lot of good for charity. Yes, he also was a bit creepy and charged with a very heinous crime twice. Yes, he owned a pet monkey. He was the celebrity to end all celebrities: He single handedly could fill an entire episode of Entertainment Tonight once a week with his antics, concerts, charity work, courthouse appearances, interviews, and more. But why, in the name of all things holy, is the man’s life and death being turned into the second coming of The Ringling Bros. Three Ringed Circus?

You see, I thought the insanity of all would end when they got done celebrating Michael’s past and analyzing his rather tumultous final decade on this planet. I thought for sure it had peaked when nearly all 24 hours of CNNs news coverage was focused on family and friend interviews, as well as INCREDIBLE tours of the Neverland Ranch. Man oh man, was I wrong.

Reverend Al Sharpton got involved with the planning of the memorial service.

We're gonna make it THIIIIIIIS big. And will bring Jesse Jackson along for shits and giggles.

You see, before the involvement of the Don King of religious promotional endeavours, I thought Joe Jackson’s frigid response to public outpouring for his son might save the day, and turn Jackson’s funeral into what it should have been: a private affair. Mourn the loss of a friend and family member within the comfortable confines of a close knit group, then possibly let someone run a public memorial for those fans seeking one. Sadly, someone (read: Sharpton) had the great idea of combining the two services.

The end result? A concert featuring the musical talents of Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, John Mayer, Lionel Richie, Usher, Chris Brown, and members of the original Jackson 5. Oh yea, there was also a casket and a pastor there.

Seriously?!

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I think its a damn sure telltale sign this was the WRONG way to handle Jackson’s – actually ANYONE’S – funeral when Dame Elizabeth Taylor – one of Jackson’s closest friends and most public supporters through the best and worst of times – outright refused to attend this fiasco, stating “I just don’t believe Michael would want me to share my grief with millions others. How I feel is between us. Not a public event…I certainly don’t want to become a part of it. I love him too much.”

The Peanut Gallery’s Top 6 Pokemon

WHO’S THAT POKEMON!?! If you’re in my age group, chances are you were shouting the answer at the tv screen because it was so damn obvious and you were that much of a tool to the Nintendo Machine. You owned the cards, you owned both versions of the same friggin’ game, you traded via Link Cable with friends on the schoolbus to make that Graveler evolve dammit, and you watched the television series religiously every day at 3pm on the kids WB. You knew each pocket critter’s stats, you knew where all the rare ones hid, and you knew that rock candy cheat was for pussies unwilling to truly dedicate themselves to the cause. This list is dedicated to those fans who LIVED the Pokemon experience.

The following are the Peanut Gallery’s key Pokemon for perfect success in Pokemon Red/Blue. This team was carefully crafted over hundreds of painsaking hours studying player’s guides and is therefore the best, the greatest, the all-time 6 creature team that guarantees great success… That and they come with some of the most bizarre Pokedex descriptions. Some of you may question this list. Others will point out “better” options. To those people, I say “Suck it, Trebek” (and also, see the Honorable Mentions list before whining).

6. Electabuzz

Ladies, check out the guns.

From Pokedex: “Electabuzz feeds on electrical currents. Its methods of securing its food vary: during thunderstorms, an Electabuzz climbs to the highest place possible, in hopes that it will be struck by lightning.”

Apparently, Electabuzz adheres to the ‘Highlander’ method of getting stronger.

5. Primeape

From Pokedex: “Vicious and frenzied, even making eye contact with it can anger it. If it is annoyed, it will never stop chasing the offender. Its frenzies are most dangerous when forcefully woken up, as it relentlessly chases the quarry while half-asleep.”

This is exactly the kind of Fighting/Earth Pokemon you want, the one prone to killing a dude just for looking at them wrong. Get this monkey a Bloods bandana.

4. Haunter

The ultimate female pleasurer. Gene Simmons eat your heart out.

From Pokedex: “Haunter is said to be from another dimension. They seem to eat by first paralyzing their opponent with Lick, then draining a bit of their life force.”

So what you’re saying is, Haunter is the ghost of a pervert. That’s the perfect character for a kids’ game.

3. Magmar

Come 'ere and give Uncle Magmar a hug.

From Pokedex: “It has the ability to expel orange-colored fire from every part of its body, including its mouth.”

……………riiight…………… EVERY part of its body. Not to mention, as The Heap has pointed out, Magmar’s head looks like a flaming ass. Sporting two flaming assholes sounds dangerous, which is exactly what’s needed for this team.

2. Alakazam

You see how long this thing is?!?! The MOUSTACHE, you sicko.

From Pokedex: “Alakazam has a long, gold moustache – nonetheless, some Alakazam are female, though females have dramatically smaller moustaches than males.”

You know you’re a badass when your women also rock facial hair. Don’t believe me? Ask the dwarves.

1. Gyarados

From Pokedex: “Gyarados tend to be very aggressive, and are powerful enough to destroy entire cities. They have a reputation for appearing where there is conflict, and annihilating everything with its Hyper Beam attack. Rampages like this have been known to last upwards of an entire month, and will not end until everything around them has been destroyed.”

It wouldn’t be a true Japanese experience without a giant city-leveling monster in it. Also, for those studying for SAT IIs, Death Star:Alderaan :: Gyarados:Japanese Cities…the correct answer is most certainly not that pretender Godzilla.

***HONORABLE MENTIONS***

Scyther – This is what you get when you solve (Praying Mantis + Ninja – Black Ninja Outfit^(Japanese Weird Factor)

Jigglypuff – It has a Britney Spears-esque ability to get more destructive the fatter it gets.

Mr. Mime – While Haunter may be the ghost of a pervert, Mr. Mime is clearly a child rapist pretending to be a Pokemon to get close to children. You heard it here first.

Eevee – This is exactly what every pet should be: OBEDIENT. If I want my cat to suddently become a fire-breathing Tiger, I should only have to tell it to (and give it some trippy ass rock). I shouldn’t have to slap it into some stupid outfit for Halloween.

***************************************

Angry Reader: “Where are the legendary birds? Where’s Mewtwo. Did you even play this game?!”

Me: “Did your mommie raise a little bitch or were you just born that way. I say it’s Throwdown Time. You. Me. Pokemon Stadium on the 56″ screen. Our original teams. Want some?!?! Of course not. You don’t even own the adaptor to let you play GBC games on the N64 do you. I thought so.”

More useless than R.O.B.

I SO RULE.

The Peanut Gallery Reviews ‘Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts’

Way back in the deep dark ages of the N64, there existed a little platforming mascot named Banjo. He, like most other anthropomorphic icons of the time (not to mention a pudgy plumber), was obsessed with the collection of useless objects in some half baked attempt at saving the world or some such nonsense. 10 years have passed since this mighty bear vanquished his archrival and forever saved the day….or so he thought.

Yes, it seems Gruntilda has returned – as per standard platformer logic thanks to Bowser inexplicably surviving everything from lava pits to 30,000 foot plummets – but this is precisely where all comparisons to other platformers ends. In fact, ‘Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts’ goes out of its way throughout the game to mock the gaming genre it was once a proud member of, instead embracing that new pesky buzz term of the current console generation: “User-generated Content”, or UGC in medical circles.

You see, UGC used to be a horrid disease that was isolated to the PC Gamer community. It is categorized by a gamer’s tendency to break the very foundation of the game in an attempt to “better” the software package, crash their personal computers, or cheat the online community. Side effects include poor framerate, lackluster physics, sorry movie-to-game adaptations, and an ill-placed feeling of haughty arrogance amongst the PC Gamer community as they looked down upon their lesser console gaming counterparts (Please seek medical attention if you have experienced any of the aforementioned symptoms). Now it seems that, thanks to the current specs of the XBox360/PS3/Wii, UGC has mutated and made its way over to the console realm. However, this form of UGC seems to be an uplifting, sterilized version of its PC big brother, as it actually enhances gameplay for a truly unique experience.

In ‘Banjo: Nuts & Bolts’, UGC is the primary form of gameplay, requiring the gamer – thats you – to create an armada of planes/buses/hovercraft/tanks/flying motorcyles/grenades-on-wheels/batmobiles/etc. to complete the various tasks within the game. Believe it or not, this is actually really freakin’ cool, as the game really forces the creative juices out of you to come up with as many wacky vehicles as possible to complete the 125 challenges present.

Example: You are charged with winning a race in which brick barriers of varying height are layed across the track. You can:

1. Build a lightweight car with springs on the bottom that allow you to bunny hop over the barriers.
2. MONSTER TRUCK MANIA.
3. Who wins the race between the Tortoise and the Hare? Especially when the tortoise is packing more heat than the Punisher. Lay waste to thine enemies than take your grand victory lap.
4. Build phallic-shaped motorcycle to ‘penetrate’ the walls…giggidy.

And that’s just one of the more simple races early on. Other tasks ask you to do the impossible, such as build a vehicle as heavily armored as a tank and as quick as a lightweight fighter jet, or create an airplane with the on-ground manuveurability of a dune buggy. Some challenges will have you playing soccer, some downhill bobsledding, some water polo, and yet still others like pizza delivery man. No two tasks present the exact same conditions, meaning you’ll be constantly tweaking older vehicles or creating entirely new ones as your familiarity game’s physics engine sets in. Nevermind the fact that you’ll have over 100 unique parts gradually unveiled to you for use on your contraptions. You’re only really limited by your own insanity:

In short, this game kicks ass.

Final Verdict: 10 of 10 Peanuts

The Peanut Gallery’s One Year Anniversary

On July 3rd, 2008, I set out with an aimless goal to write about nothing in particular because I thought I could occasionally be funny. 72 posts and 2 new writers later, I can honestly say that I still have no idea what this little website is for, nor where it’s going from day-to-day. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Since I started this trainwreck, a black man became president of the United States, a world economy went down the shitter, North Korea started pointing explodey things at increasingly far off places, Iran became a bigger pain in the ass, Iceland’s government went tits up, Mexico’s drug wars became borderline Scarfaceian, and I gleefully ignored all of it when writing on here. Call it my personal disdain for news reporting in general these days…or perhaps I sincerely do find it more interesting to focus on the insanity of the world.

What’s in store for the future, you may ask. I don’t have a very good response to that. I’m toying with a few ideas, some of which or just complete insanity like most of my other articles, but I’m afraid of making this thing – GASP – serious in any way. It’s part of the reason my sports stuff has stopped making appearances, and – aside from one stray post wayyy back in last August about the “American Classics” novels – no moments of truly thought out criticism have occurred. Just endless rantings playing off other people’s creativity.

And that’s truly my biggest failing with The Peanut Gallery. It was meant, more than anything else, to keep my creative juices flowing in some way. The humor comes easy to me. Look at something stupid and point out how stupid it is. Simple. Making something actually fun, creative, original..? I think maybe I’ve done this a half dozen times. It’s with this thought in mind that I’ve chosen to celebrate the one year anniversary of the Peanut Gallery by highlighting my personal favorite articles written on this wonderful site.

The Peanut Gallery Reviews ‘Star Trek’ – This was the start of my movie reviews not really being about the movie, and thereby actually flowing more easily than a forced attempt at mimicing every movie review I’ve ever read.

Top 10 Things NOT to Get Your Mom on Mother’s Day – I think Max and Matt struck pure gold with this. The damn things are so funny, there’s really no need for further comments.

Nucking Futs Hall of Fame: A Shot at Looove – I can honestly say this is, to me anyway, the funniest thing I’ve written. I think this article more than any other one showcases the kind of weird connections and angles I like using when trying to convey humor.

Top 10 Zen Moments as Learned From Professional Wrestling – This started out a lot funnier in my head then I think it came out in writing. But, for those that know me best, this is ‘classic Mike’ writing in that I’m trying to mash two very different concepts together to see what comes out. Successful? Not totally, but definitely a learning experience article.

Top 10 Steroid Users in Video Games – This was a shameless attempt by yours truly to copy the hilarity found in ScrewAttack.com’s Top 10 video game related lists. It’s also probably the earliest example of the bizarre ways my brain chooses to work, and dammit it’s about video games.

So yea, 1 year down…a good 300 days longer than I expected this little shindig to last. Who knew.

- Mike

The Peanut Gallery Reviews ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’

This movie is an excellent study in “poetry in motion”: It is a magnificent art piece merging William Shakespeare with Iraq, John Milton with Platoon. There’s a strong Shakespearian quality to the love triangle presented in this movie. We have Megan Fox as the beautiful Mikaela, a Desdemona like woman forever loyal to her Othello, better known as Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky. Causing disorder in their perfect relationship – aside from the massive otherworldy conflict between warring clans of autonomous robot organisms exhibiting strongly duality overtones – is the marginally evil-hearted Wheelie, through his aggressive sexual gyrations on Mikaela’s right leg. Some may call this “humping.”

…Okay, so there’s a Decepticon humping scene (notably doing EXACTLY what every male in the audience wanted to do to Megan Fox to begin with)…and a dog humping scene (probably a personification of what every female in the audience thought of the men)…If you’ve come to this movie expecting anything aside from summer movie trash, then you – not Michael Bay – are the moron.

Things Michael Bay is NOT qualified for: writing Pearl Harbor films, directing small budget films, performing open heart surgery, directing Pearl Harbor films, directing a Broadway musical, casting actors for Pearl Harbor films, creating a light speed space drive, and anything remotely related to Pearl Harbor films.

Things Michael Bay IS qualified for:

Considering his obsession with one-upping his previous films’ explosions, CGI, military machismo, and utter carnage, I’d have to say the man is the perfect selection for a movie series based around a bunch of gigantic ass robots beating the ugly out of each other while human beings get blown to smithereens in the crossfire. Transformers 2 is complete insanity, total wreckage, and comes with the Michael Baysplosions (TM) seal of approval.

That, and the man clearly listened to his fanbase for this sequel. While the first Transformers movie is deliberately filmed from the prospective of the humans unfortunate enough to be beautiful females and rugged males caught in the bizarro world war zone, Transformers 2 rears the cameras back a few hundred feet and tells the story from scale of the Autobots and Decepticons.

Megatron, Starscream, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and the Autobot Twins all soak up camera time in their cromed out glory and for the most part dominate the film. The characters are also 20 times more badass this go around – especially the yellow camaro and the flaming peterbilt – and capable of ripping each other to shreds much more gore-ishly this time. Humans? They provide mostly comic relief, cannon fodder, and military grunting…and softcore porn-esque sexual posing moments.

Yep. That about sums that up.

This is a SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER THRILLER in all its glory. Michael Bay may not make a deeply significant film, and may use every emotional cliche’ known to man to propel his shoddy plot forward, but the man knows his audience. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen cranks up the insanity and fan servicing, giving you a 2 hour explosion-fest featuring everyone’s favorite robots in disguise…and panty shots from multiple early-20’s female bombshells. What’s not to like?

Final Verdict – 8 of 10 Peanuts