Top 10 Revolutionary Games that Ruined Video Games

It does not take a genius to realize that video games have evolved greatly since the days of Pong and the Magnavox Odyssey. Born as an arcade distraction designed to steal quarters from all-too-willing teenagers, gaming has evolved into its own professional “sport” where socially deprived nerds may battle each other for supremacy over all Nerddom. With that evolution has come economic growth, mainstream recognition, weird fetishes over pre-teen Japanese school girls, and new innovations that have rapidly destroyed the hobby I once adored.

Whereas games like Goldeneye and Final Fantasy VII, Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time and Star Wars: X-Wing, Tetris and Portal all creatively pushed the gaming world to new heights, the following games – though sometimes wildly entertaining – introduced gamers to “innovations” that have overstayed their welcome and need to be curb stomped into oblivion.

# 10: Grand Theft Auto III – Open Worlds

“Can I interest you in some boring real estate opportunities?”

And over here, you can see the Statue of Happiness, a not too subtle knock against the Statue of Liberty. We figured ‘Hey, it’s supposed to be New York City, so let’s I dunno make it unnecessarily huge!’ We did the same thing with the Empire State Building, wait until you see THAT? Oh, why are they in the game? I really have no idea. It’s New York Babaaaay! We really don’t expect you to actually PLAY in any of these areas. That’s what the taxis are for.

# 9: ET: The Extra Terrestrial – Shitty Games Based on Movies

“So you’re making a licensed movie-based game…”

…naturally you must realize that this game is required to suck. You need a budget and a realistic release date? Too bad. The movie is coming out when the movie comes out. Oh, you actually thought we expect this to be good? We’re just here to make cheap money off of unsuspecting consumers.

# 8: Farmville – Casual Gaming on Facebook

“Hey, maybe my grandson wants to see this new pig I raised!?”

Hey, Johnny, why did you just de-friend me? I was just trying to tell you all about this awesome game we got Papa playing on my profile. He’s working really hard to garden from the armchair, lol! He was getting tired of waiting for another week to pass, so he bought 25,000 points for only 99 cents. You know, you could really save him a few dollars if you join now. Oh, and Aunt Donna wants you to take down that picture of her from the Halloween party. It’s unflattering.

# 7: Super Mario Brothers 3 – Massive Advertising Campaigns

“I love the Power Glove, it’s so bad.”

Alright, gentlemen, the Board Members are all in agreement: The best way to advertise this game is to blitzkrieg every other media outlet possible. I say we go with Johnson’s idea and build a whole movie around a reveal of the game. Maybe we should throw that shitty Power Glove in there, too? After all, there’s nothing like a little free advertising to trick a few kids out of their allowance money.

# 6: Everquest – Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games

“Before I give you that spell book, why don’t you go collect 20 bear pelts for me. I’m a bit cold.”

What, you want me to go get it? I’m not programmed to do that. Also, you’re the idiot paying $15 per month to do my chores for me. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, that female elf mage is actually some fat, sweaty dude from Brazil named Raul. Sending “her” money to come visit you in Minnesota was probably a bad idea.

# 5: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic – Western RPG ‘Storytelling’

“Let me tell you a little story…”

Now I know, you’re here to ask me about Jangor the Hutt and his possible political support for your cause. However, I’d much rather tell you about my life. I was born into serfdom on Ryloth. This has made me very bitter towards the Hutts. As a child, I dreamed of becoming a dancer on Corellia or perhaps the moons of Corulag. Alas, life has a way of making sure we Twi’lek are kept down. Perhaps I will shut up if you go talk to Booster Terrik in the corner over there, who will more than likely send you on some strange romp through the bowels of Taris that takes forever to complete. Once that is done, come back to me and I’ll tell you more about my drab life. Oh, you’re trying to save the world? Well as a teenager, I…

# 4: Guitar Hero – FUCK THIS, ITS NOT A GAME YOU ASSHOLES

“Take it to the garage!!!”

Whatever happened to discovering marijuana, deciding you’re a rocker, and assembling a shitty band of like minded individuals to ‘rock out’ in the garage with? These stupid plastic contraptions are so damn aggravating. I didn’t buy that big screen television and a Playstation for my son to play Freebird all damn morning and think he’s actually good at it. He should be streaming porn like a normal kid.

# 3: Halo 2 – 15 Year Olds with Headsets

“I’ve got a rocket launcher, mother fuckers!”

Dude, I’m such a fucking badass. My fucking log-in name ‘teabagging69’ tells all those mother fuckers online that I came to play. DEZ NUTZ R GUNNA BE ALL OVA YOUR FACE, BITCHEZ! I’m a damn master of the fucking shotgun. Fools come running round that fucking corner, and POW BITCHEZ HOWZ THAT FEEL?! GOBBLE ON DEZ NUTZ! What? Oh okay, mom, I’ll go take out the garbage…I love you too…FUCK THE CORPORATE WORLD!

# 2: Gears of War – 3^rd Person Shooters Map Layout

“May I interest you in some chest high walls?”

I’m telling you, Jim, this place is not built up to code. What if, just if, say in the future, half this place falls down in some war…most likely with aliens when you think about it. This thing needs to break in just the perfect way to provide cover for the survivors! Look, I ran the simulations in AutoCAD. If we just run the P-T cables ten feet to the left, we leave humanity a chance if they just so happen to get in a shootout right here.

Wii Sports – Motion Controls

“BEHOLD MY MAGIC DILDO WAND!”

Nothing else needs to be said. Damn you, Nintendo, for motion controls.

The Peanut Gallery’s Top 10 Nonessential Cartoon Superheroes

Superheroes have certainly taken the spotlight lately. Whether it’s the impending appearance of characters like Thor, Green Lantern, and Captain America on the silver screen, or the debut of newest Batman cartoon to gobble up the attention of children nationwide, the worlds of comic books have for the past decade reclaimed the attention of the masses. It has suddenly become not only okay, but academically encouraged, to discuss the excellent works by Alan Moore, Frank Miller, Grant Morrison, Jeph Loeb, Neil Gaiman, Mark Millar, and Alex Ross.

Armed with this fact, and mentally prone to huge tangents, I decided to reminisce a bit about the good ol’ days. No, not the days of being an awkward comics fan with no one to talk to! I’m talking about the cartoon years where the success of Darkwing Duck, Batman Beyond, and X-Men: The Animated Series caused non-superhero cartoons to take notice and create their own spoof heroes.

The following is a tribute list to the 10 best nonessential spoof heroes found throughout television history. Key word: nonessential. This means no Hong Kong Phooey, Duck Dodgers, Freakazoid, or the aforementioned Darkwing Duck. These are the unimportant, the silly, the dumb, the UNSUNG heroes of all animation land!

10. The Coon (South Park)

Leave it to Cartman to create a single episode hero that perfectly captures all the nonsense inherent in being a superhero. Of course, this is Cartman we’re talking about, so The Coon naturally becomes a villain before the show ends, teaming with ‘honorable mention’ list members Professor Chaos and General Dissarray to rid the town of true hero and fan favorite Mysterion. Given the success of this episode, I’d have to imagine this isn’t the last we’ve seen of The Coon.

9. Mermaid Man (Spongebob Squarepants)

Only a show as rampantly stoned and homosexual as Spongebob would cook up a character like Mermaid Man. Dressed like Aquaman, spoofing Adam West’s 1960′s Batman, and wearing a set of Ariel’s boob shells and my grandmother’s slippers, Mermaid Man is a nursing home resident convinced to un-retire by diehard fan Spongebob. Many old man jokes ensue.

8. Valhallen (Dexter’s Lab)

The “Viking God of Rock” is everything you’d ever want out of a mock hero: Bitchin’ guitar, trendy speech patterns, and kick ass hair! When teamed with the unflinchingly American Major Glory and the Infraggable Krunk, the trials of everyday will be defeated…ish.

7. Powdered Toast Man (Ren & Stimpy)

His alter ego is that of a youth-friendly deacon and he flies by either launching himself from a toaster or unloading an ungodly-powerful fart. What teenage child isn’t going to find this to be hilarious?

6. Bionic Bunny (Arthur)

A sentimental pick, this Superman knock-off is the favored hero of Arthur Read and Buster Baxter. What made the character so cool was the sneakers. Suddenly, I didn’t feel silly running around wearing blue long johns, skiing gloves, a red sheet, and my Converse high tops while in public. Why? Because a anthropomorphic superhero did so, too.

5. Duff Man (The Simpsons)

Narrowly beating Radioactive Man and Bartman for a spot on this list, Duff Man wins because of one word: THRUST.

4. Ambiguously Gay Duo (Saturday Night Live)

Here’s a fun fact I just discovered: Adam and Gary were voiced by the two greatest Steves all-time, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell. This only makes this cartoon skit featuring one supervillain’s obsession with outing his two arch-enemies as gay that much more hilarious. Additionally, if I may be serious for a second, this show made it okay to be gay and possess super powers. Prior to this, gay super heroes were taboo. After this show, heroes and their sidekicks were free to proclaim their unadulterated love of each other. Friend-of-friends unite!

3. Super Cow (Cow and Chicken)

God bless this flying, oddly Spanish, heroic Cow. Armed with her udders of justice and a pro-wrestling moveset, she has on countless occasions rescued the scrawny Chicken from the evil clutches of the Big Red Guy…I feel like I just experienced a fever dream. I definitely took too much peyote.

2. Gizmo Duck (Duck Tales)

Who knew that all it would take to turn a lame-duck accountant into Iron Man is the phrase “blathering blatherskite”? The great protector of Scrooge McDuck’s vast wealth, Gizmo Duck is completely inept at his job, but his costume is AWESOME.

1. Quail Man (Doug)

Perhaps the most-used nonessential superhero costume come Halloween (just ahead of Duff Man and the Ambiguously Gay Duo, of course), Quail Man is tops on this list because of what he represents: The desire of every young child to create a heroic alter ego for themselves. Quail Man proved you didn’t need awesome gadgets or a bad ass tailor. All you really needed to do was misplace a few pieces of clothing. A cute dog also helps.

How’s my driving?! New oil leak in Gulf

I hope someone got the tag numbers of whatever drunk and belligerent asshole rammed his boat into a wellhead just off the Louisiana coastline.

The Coast Guard is responding to a new oil leak on the Gulf Coast.

“It’s apparent that some type of vessel has hit the well head, has laid it over,” said Donald Nalty, COO of oil spill cleanup contractor ES&H, who just returned from a flyover of the site in single engine seaplane. “It’s probably about a four inch casing and it’s spewing out oil and natural gas.”

That’s right, spewing! It’s raining natural resources on the bayou and you!

Something like that...minus all the celebrating. And white people.

So what’s worse? A GIGANTIC, nature destroying leak caused by procedural incompetence, or a sprinkler much closer to land caused by what I can only imagine is either a teenager without a boating license or an old geezer who confused the gas for the breaks?

Perhaps even more importantly, why is only Fox News covering this? Looking at the picture hosted on their site, it’s obvious that by comparison this is hardly ratable as a “disaster” when held up next to it’s Gulf-Coast-murdering brother a few miles away. Are the people at CNN, NPR, USA Today, and MSNBC just so disenfranchised by such “small” leaks that they could care less? Or is Fox News being its typical self and trying to stir up more anger from it’s predominantly southern redneck audience?

If you ask me (and I know you do, because you love hearing me!) this is just another example of how pig-headedly dumb we choose to be. Think about this, folks. One bad driver just caused another environmental problem. One oopsie. The likelihood of this getting any coverage beyond a 100 word article on a very biased website? Zip. Zilch. Zero. Why? There’s no ratings in it when compared to the big fish that is BP and Event Hori – d’I mean Deepwater Horizon. News outlets know the average American won’t give two flying shits. They rather yell “HURRR DURRR” at the big target and ignore the underlying problem.

What exactly is that problem? We really don’t give a shit unless it directly affects us OR is made a big issue by our friends at Fox, CNN, NBC, etc. Fox says hate Obama, people say “YEA FUCK THAT GUY!” Keith Olbermann says “gay rights!” and suddenly we have a war between GLBT sympathizers and haters. Someone in prominence raises enough hell, and the lemmings respond.

No news outlet will two give flying craps about another relatively small leaking well, so neither will we. When’s football season start again? Fuck Donovan McNabb.

Useless Debate of the Week: Is cheerleading a sport?

On Wednesday, federal judge Stephan Underhill laid down the righteous right hand of the law and decreed that cheerleading was NOT a sport. Take that, feminist movement!

Judge Underhill ruled that Quinnipiac University in New Jersey could not replace its women’s volleyball team with a competitive cheering squad, saying cheerleading is “too underdeveloped and disorganized” to be treated as an official collegiate sport.

Clearly the good Judge has never taken part in the collegiate Beer Olympics.

Is it at all surprising that Fox News managed to not only make this a front page news item on its website, but also succeeded in getting “experts” to deliver their own viewpoints on this dramatic ruling by the American judicial system?

ACLU staff attorney David McGuire, a co-counsel in the case, said critics of the judge’s decision aren’t seeing the big picture of the effect it has in protecting Title IX and ensuring that schools are providing the appropriate number of male and female athletic opportunities in proportion to the number of male and female students at the school.

The crux of Mr. McGuire’s argument is that the Honorable Underhill’s ruling prevents Quinnipiac from misrepresenting their true number of opportunities available for female students. Keeping cheerleading out of the school’s official athletic system prevents a loss of opportunities for female athletes.

I’ll let that sink in.

We live in a country where high schools and colleges have school sponsored teams for golf, bowling, curling, and dodgeball to name a few. All those sports require of you is either a desire for abuse or the ability to roll something across the floor. Cheerleaders? All they do is attempt their best contortionist poses, hurdle through the air as dynamically as a skirt wearing torpedo, and build pyramids without the use of mortar or slaves.

For shits and giggles I looked up Quinnipiac’s athletic department. They have 11 female programs as opposed to simply 7 for men. Where in the hell does McGuire’s ACLU-jargon-spewing equality statement apply in this instance?

Alright, Gallery Members! I put it to you. Is cheerleading a sport, or simply a public tryout for Hooters girls and Playboy bunnies?

Grand Theft Steinbrenner

For those of you who didn’t know, 2010 is the year to die.

In a brilliant display of the stupidity that dominates the chimpanzee meetings on Capitol Hill, this glorious year someone let the post-mortem estate tax, more lovingly called the “death tax” by some members of our great nation, expire. Cease to exist. Disappear. Thus, instead of getting taxed on the money you were taxed on, if you happen to depart your fleshy shell within the next 6 months, your family inexplicably will receive the entirety of your estate.

Now, for a great deal many of us, this’ll only amount to a few thousand dollars (chump change, right!??). For the members of the Steinbrenner family, the rear admirals of the Yankee pirate fleet get to take to the seven seas with Scrooge McDuck-ian amounts of loot. In layman’s terms, the federal government’s minor oversight just lost them an estimated $500 million. Oops.

Well, the United States can’t have rich people dying without paying the Charon toll, can it? Suddenly there’s a huge rush to augment the return of the Death Tax in 2011, with both sides taking their obvious stances. Democrats are nihilist that wants the monies so they can go all Karl Marx on the American elite and Republicans are ready to lynch a few minorities to prevent their rich guy dollars from being used by the federal government to assist minorities.

And thank GOODNESS for our taxpayer dollars being spent on such an important debate now…you know, before Bill Gates or Warren Buffet buys the farm.

The Hostile Takeover

Hello, ladies! Welcome to a new Peanut Gallery. A fresher Peanut Gallery. MY PEANUT GALLERY.

It appears the previous proprietor of this lovely establishment has moved on to greener pastures and left me in charge of the nut house. You can find him at his narcissistically named new location, The Flex World Tour. He’ll be taking some of the more “intelligent” post topics with him – namely the ‘Experiences’ and ‘Practical Hippie’ discussion threads – and good riddance! Many an avid fan of this site became disenfranchised by all that smarty-smart crap. This is the Peanut Gallery, not some stupid attempt at intellectual conversation regarding the significance of Robert Heinlein’s obsession with blonde-headed bimbos. You want bad sex jokes, awful cartoon references, rants unrelated to the topic at hand, and acknowledgement of global stupidity on a daily basis.

And flagrant cursing. Afterall, what the fuck would the Peanut Gallery be without that?

In honor of our previous head nut, and to commemorate the beginning of my despotic rule, here’s a little diddy that sets the mood for things to come:

Robert Heinlein Experience: ‘Have Space Suit – Will Travel’

The Story: Clifford “Kip” Russell is your average, rural-born American teenage boy with aspirations for something more in life. What, exactly, is that “magis”? Why, a trip to the Moon. He craves it, dreams about it, wishes upon magical stars for it. The kid is the definition of a Space Cadet, head perpetually in the clouds with thoughts of space stations, space ships, and space women.

Thus, when a local Soap Company hosts a contest to see who can develop their next big marketing slogan, with the grand prize being a round trip to the Lunar Base (because in the future, Dove and Irish Spring will replace Virgin Galactic as the bat-shit crazy entrepreneurs of space flight), Kip mails off over five thousand entries in hopes of becoming the first person to prove the way to fix the current postal service is the proper application of spam filters. Alas, dear Clifford only wins the consolation prize: Oscar, a decommissioned military space suit. Kip, ever the eager beaver, rebuilds Oscar into working order, which is a good thing considering he’s about to be abducted by aliens.

Suddenly, Kip’s evening backyard walk within Oscar becomes a race across the stars with a remarkably smart 10 year old girl named Peewee, a small lemur like creature dubbed Mother Thing, and the evil Wormface, with the very future of humanity at stake. Other races have become quite concerned with humanity’s rapid growth despite their barbaric behavior, and it’s up to Kip, Peewee, Mother Thing, a Roman Legionnaire, and a cave man to save Earth from being rotated OUT OF THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE. How’s that for overreacting?

Loudest Heinlein-ism(s): Coming of Age, DONE RIGHT.

This is something I’ve only recently started to pick up on in Heinlein’s earlier “juvenile novels.” As seen in “Rocket Ship Galileo,” “Podkayne of Mars,” and “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress,” Heinlein has a very pronounced method of developing his teens into to adults. They all crave knowledge, have peculiarly supportive parents, are quite hands-on and resourceful, and almost always struggle early on with societal interactions. Kip is a loner who spends most of his days in his tool shed monkeying around with some new gizmo, or studying textbooks of increasing difficulty given to him by his “not-all-that-he-seems” father. He struggles to find the proper way to deal with the neighborhood bully, and has his mind filled with the unsure thoughts of his future.

Then, out of the blue, he finds himself forced to play verbal judo with a kid genius a decade his junior and become her guardian. Finally, by the end of the novel, he is tasked with saving the entirety of Earth from certain destruction. Kip takes all of this in stride, quickly accepting and adapting to the situation at hand, no matter how ridiculous it is. When an emergency beacon needs to be placed on the freezing surface of Pluto, Kip swallows hard, slaps on Oscar’s helmet, and gets to work. When Peewee runs out of oxygen well short of any renewable source, Kip calmly goes McGyver on his own suit and pumps oxygen over to his bite-sized companion. Heck, when the kid is slammed face-to-face with a way out of his time and element disgruntled Roman named Iunio, Kip reaches deep down for his Latin training and tries to befriend the man without stopping too long to consider why the heck the Roman was there in the first place. Thus, Heinlein takes his unsure, brilliant teen and makes him a man ready to command his future.

The Verdict: I’ve done fairly well at avoiding immediate “quality” comparisons to other novels in the “Heinlein Experience.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t help myself on this one. While “Have Space Suit – Will Travel” is a fun book, I feel like I’ve read this story before. Peewee is a younger, less confident version of Podkayne Fries, while Kip’s character is divided among the three boys in “Rocket Ship Galileo,” right down to the sense of civic duty all four boys feel towards their families and fellow Earthlings. More importantly, those books’ characters are more interesting.

Additionally, there are just some weird things going on in this book. The book takes a wild turn at Albequerque for the final fifty pages, nonchalantly lobbing a Legionnaire into the plot and declaring that humans are not the direct descendants of cave men with little pomp and circumstance. Also, Kip’s got a strange relationship with his space suit, often talking to Oscar and answering in Oscar’s voice. While other characters notice this, there isn’t much concern for Kip’s mental well-being nor is this bizarre tendency addressed again.

Lastly, there’s the aliens. Mother Thing, Wormface, and the slew of minor aliens thrown into one room in the final chapter just feel one dimensional. Compare these to the Martians of “Double Star” or the Venerians of “Podkayne of Mars” and you see a dynamic difference. I blame this largely on Heinlein’s different descriptive approaches. In the other two novels, Heinlein is very direct and succinct with his descriptions, whereas here Heinlein is deliberately vague, attempting to convey the broader notion of difficulties found in inter-specie relations (he refers directly to man’s understanding ignorance of a dog’s communication efforts and visa versa).

Nevertheless, “Have Space Suit – Will Travel” is a good “coming of age” novel. I don’t think anyone over the age of 14 will fall in love with it, but it contains enough of Heinlein’s magic to please fans of science fiction adventure pieces.

7 of 10 Peanuts

The SquareSoft Experience: ’3D WorldRunner’

The Story: I don’t have the original box anymore, so your guess is as good as mine. From what I can decipher purely based on gameplay, you are some dude who can run wicked fast and would put Dwight Howard to shame in a slam dunk contest. This man enjoys being pecker-slapped in the face by long, green, shaft-like objects which eject power-ups of some sort, and who dies when exposed to fire, random pits, dragons, and balls. Lots and lots of balls.

The Game: Run, run, run, as fast as you can. Mr. WorldRunner’s goal seems to be setting new marathon time records while blasting any unfortunate spherical creature that gets in his way and hurdling the Grand Canyon umpteen-billion times. The game is split into 8 worlds, each subdivided into checkpoints. At the end of each world, some evil space serpent thing assaults you. You shoot it in the face. Rinse and repeat.

The game starts out brutally difficult and only gets worse from there. I found myself bamboozled by one segment featuring virtually no solid ground on which to land. Instead, SEGA apparently misplaced some of Sonic the Hedgehog’s bouncy springs in the void space between continents, leaving not-so-helpful small platforms on which I could bounce my character off of. Of course, these springs are scattered in no decipherable pattern, leaving me to do my best “Stevie Wonder in a Moon Bounce” impression.

Speaking of wearing silly glasses and bobbing my head to and fro, I was very upset to discover this game came packaged with that oh-so-hip-these-days technology of 3D display. I mean, does this game REALLY NEED to play tricks with my eyes – fooling them into thinking there’s depth to my screen – to add enjoyment to my gaming experience? Am I really going to feel like I’m “in the game”? And seriously, I dunno about you guys, but I really don’t need to experience a more realistic rendition of being killed by a giant green testicle to the face. 3D is destroying the film industry, and now it’s trying to destroy my video games!

Actually, I really wouldn’t know as – you might have guessed – the game requires them old school 3D glasses with the red and blue lenses. Sadly, all I had handy was a Power Glove.

Finally, for the history buffs out there, this game was worked on by a little duo you may know: Sakaguchi and Uematsu (For those who don’t know, those names will become pretty important a little later). While Sakaguchi’s trademark creativity is nearly unrecognizable here, there are moments in the 8-track soundtrack where the brilliance that would grow to become Nobuo Uematsu’s music filters through your speakers.

The Verdict: 3D WorldRunner is actually a pretty fun game, if you’re willing to tolerate the insane difficulty levels. The gameplay is simplistic, the controls are very responsive, and the game moves at a super fast pace whether you like it or not. If you still happen to be in possession of an NES or a Yobo system, you can buy this game for the original cost of Manhattan Island on Amazon.com. I’d stop well short of suggesting this is a must-own for any NES owners, but if you’re a fan of good, “old school” games, you could do far worse than to go out and grab a copy of this obscure classic.

7 of 10 Peanuts

The Peanut Gallery Reviews Darien Lake’s Roller Coasters

Hidden somewhere in the hills between the aging New York cities of Rochester and Buffalo hides this little adventure park distraction. Since receiving it’s first ride in 1970′s, Darien Lake has seen it’s ownership changed twice, at one point even bearing the Six Flags moniker. Better known for it’s water slides and concert facilities, the park is home to a few thrill ride doosies which this roller coaster junkie gleefully launched himself onto earlier this month. Many back spasms and bouts of nausea followed.

The Viper

The ‘Ancient One’ of Darien Lake, ‘Viper’ was the first coaster to find it’s rear end anchored to the park’s ground. Like all the other coasters in the park, Viper sits two people abreast in decidedly painful restraints ripped straight out of a bad horror film torture scene. This black, U-shaped, lump of metal and foam swings down from above, crushes your shoulders in towards each other, hunches your back, and slaps you hard across the sternum. This is, as they say, riding in comfort.

After you climb the lift hill and presumably salute both the Canadian and American flags, the ride itself feels more like a ‘proof of concept’ than any actual attempt at creating a smooth, thrilling experience. It’s as if the designers laid out a checklist of things a modern steel coaster should have and slapped bits of track between them to make them all connect. Drop? Check. Loop? Check. Batwing? Check. Corkscrew? Check. The only problem is, they forgot what gravity does to a low-friction vehicle barreling downward for 10 stories. As a result, midway along the track the coaster is brought to a SCREEEEECHING halt atop a 50-foot high platform before being allowed to continue ticking of items from the checklist. A brief romp through a tacked-on cave ends your Crash-Test Dummy experience.

3 of 5 Peanuts

The Predator

I’d like to know what moronic body of voting individuals thought this splintering trainwreck of a ride deserved recognition as a Top 10 wooden coaster of 1992. The only list it belongs on is the Top 10 Creative Ways to Throw Your Back Out. From the very first drop, the cars kick and buck as if a very large foot is repeatedly kicking the rear car in the caboose. For added pain, ride up front, where the bucking and kicking becomes so violent that you and the poor unfortunate soul seated next to you may head bang against the front grip rail, your safety harness, and each other from start to finish. Permanent relief from this world may be provided should you fail to react in time to the whiplash-inspired emergency brake applied nonchalantly on the innocent-looking final bunny hill.

NOTE: The Predator essentially ruined my ability to comfortably sit in any other ride that wasn’t the Ferris Wheel. It may put people with actual back problems in a premature coffin.

0 of 5 Peanuts

Boomerang

I should’ve known things were going to end badly on this ride when the lift hill pulled me backwards to begin our journey. ‘Boomerang’ just further cements my belief that Shuttle-Loop coasters – coasters which do not complete a full circuit, but instead reach some point then return backwards – are terrible. I’m not one prone to getting sick from thrill rides, but I made an exception for this poorly designed monster.

1 of 5 Peanuts

The Mind Eraser

Contrary to the tasty cocktail which shares the same name, and goes great with a viewing of ‘Memento’, ‘Mind Eraser’ does not cause near-permanent brain damage and a sudden lapse in recent memory. In fact, the ride is much more akin to a date with a close friend whom has zero interest in you: It can be fun, heck even thrilling at times, but never quite has that supremely gratifying pay off you were hoping for. She may thank you for a good time with one butterfly-inducing peck on the cheek and call you a great guy and say “let’s go out again sometime”, but you aren’t allowed through that front door, mister. And if you do get through that door,  it’ll be  hanky-panky with no happy ending. You get what I mean.

4 of 5 Peanuts

OCC Motocoaster

Now I know what you’re thinking. “That thing looks about as thrilling as swimming a pool full of dirty socks.” Well you are WRONG. Sure, it has no drops, no inversions, no high speed tunnels, nothing you’d expect from a roller coaster. But what it does have is some of the silliest requirements for riding it. The following is ripped straight from signs posted before the line queue: “Must be 48″ tall, have upper body control, two legs, and complete use of at least one hand.” Why is this ride so discriminatory towards war veterans and quadraplegics?

Because your retraint, dear friends, is motorcycle-shaped, meaning you have to straddle some throbbing power in a bent over position and bound by the ankles and waist. If that isn’t enough to get your blood pumping, try adding your own sound effects as you fly along the track. I personally like to go with Harley Davidson noises, but I hear Yamaha Crotch Rocket sounds are also quite fun.

4 of 5 Peanuts

The Ride of Steel

Prior to bailing out of owning Darien Lake, the Six Flags folks made the mistake of dumping something awesome on this property and leaving it there. Originally dubbed “Superman: The Ride of Steel,” this 200+ ft goliath is an example of speed done right. Starting with the first insane-angled drop to kissing-the-ground level, you are pinned to your seat and loving every minute of it. This thing rumbles across the landscape much like one expects DC Comic’s big blue boyscout would, pulls a U-turn over a pond, then dives back from whence it came with tenacity and grace.

You are in no danger of neck strain or vomiting from this bad boy. The only real danger is having too much fun…unless you happen to be too…uhhh…large for the ride, resulting in your restraints not locking properly, your rotund frame thus becoming unseated by a bunny hill and ejected from the ride…but what’re the odds of that happening, you surviving, and winning a nearly $4 million lawsuit…AMIRITE?!?

5 of 5 Peanuts

Final Verdict: For a park that subsides on the decaying populations of two modest cities, Darien Lake packs a decent thrill-ride punch. While it definitely does not hold a candle up against the big boys like Cedar Point, or the not-so-big boys like Kings Dominion, it still brings enough of the goods to warrant a speculative visit if you ever – and God help you if you do – find yourself errantly wandering around Western New York.

The Peanut Gallery’s Top 10 Famous Chickens

So I was watching ‘Space Jam’ recently, and thanks to the appearance of one particularly famous Loony Toon fowl, I suddenly began thinking about chickens. This naturally – that is to say naturally if your brain operates utilizing the leaping logic gaps that mine does – led to my  brainstorming together a list of the best famous chickens of all time. This potent list of poultry defies being plucked, chopped, and placed in potentially delectable dishes with their plucky demeanors and delicious wits.

I could go for a plate of chicken teriyaki right about now…

10. Foghorn Leghorn

The elder statesmen of this list, Foghorn’s biggest claim to fame will always be wailing on some poor dog’s rear end with a plank of wood while humming “Camptown Races.” Now that, I say, now that’s comedy, son!

9. Chicken Boo (Animaniacs)

It’s a giant chicken from ‘Animaniacs’. Do I really have to say more? He walks around every skit in some sort of “disguise”, blatantly behaving like a chicken, and has more athletic, hand-to-hand combat skills than Jet Li. Speaking of acrobatic, deadly giant chickens…

8. The Giant Chicken (Family Guy)

He exists purely to beat Peter Griffin’s ass across the United States and lose horribly in the end. He is the last chicken I would ever pick a fight with. He’s brutal, mean spirited, and one helluva grudge holder. Hell, he’s gone as far as donning the Boba Fett costume to hunt down Peter in the Star Wars Universe. That’s one pissed off fowl.

7. Alfred Chicken

This ballsy little bird dive bombed all over my television screen when I was a kid. Maniacal mechanical mice, bombs, and evil eggs were no match for Alfred’s katana-sharp beak plummeting from the skies at Mach 3 velocities.

6. Ginger (Chicken Run)

I’m sometimes terrified by the ideas some people come up with it. A ‘Chicken Run’ fan music video featuring ‘Hero’??!!?? The scary part is it’s strangely appropriate. Ginger is out to prove that Mel Gibson characters aren’t the only ones capable of leading a revolution. She fears no axe, no dumpy guardsmen, and most certainly no chicken pot pie machine. Her fellow hens must be free! FREEEEEEDOOOOOM!!!

5. Chicken (Cow and Chicken)

Chicken makes this list purely because I feel the need to remind everyone of how insane this cartoon was. His sister is a gigantic cow who on occasion will transform into a flying, milk-shooting, luchador superhero. He routinely associates with the perverted Red Guy who walks around by bouncing from one humongous ass cheek to another. His best friends, Flem and Earl, and quite clearly gay lovers, and there’s always the unanswered question of which of his parents is male (with mom becoming the increasingly more obvious answer). Oh, and what’s his favorite snack? Pork butts….I can’t make this crap up.

4. Camilla (Muppets)

She’s Gonzo’s favorite hen, if you know what I’m saying. Her womanly wiles have captivated the blue big nosed alien for countless years, causing him to hurl himself at her in such increasingly awful ways that even Miss Piggy is ashamed by his whorishness.

3. The Robot Chicken

Behold the face of the most tortured fowl on the planet. Left for roadkill by some inconsiderate homicidal driver, this poor creature was picked up by a mad scientist, rebuilt ala the Six Million Dollar Man, and forced to watch endless screens of horrible television. He suffers much as the Norse god Odin suffered for mankind, as I can only infer that the images he is forced to unblinkingly watch are the ones sent out to my television and cause me to spew milk out my nostrils at 2 AM.

2. Chanticleer (Rock-A-Doodle)

He’s the flippin’ Elvis Pressly of poultry, and only his sweet southern croonin’ can make the FREAKIN’ sun rise. Not the Earth’s rotation. Not God. Chanticleer. He literally flies around the ENTIRE PLANET like Superman to make this happen at the end of ‘Rock-A-Doodle’. I thought that was Apollo’s job. My mistake.

1. Lady Cluck (Disney’s Robin Hood)

Many of you may have forgotten this dainty linebacker of a handmaiden that strikes fear in the hearts of all British Rhinos. She comes across as a kind, friendly, and helpful elderly hen simply looking out for Maid Marian. Do not be fooled by her helpful appearance and heartfelt demeanor. She is the last chicken you may ever see on this planet. Doubt me? Watch what happens when Prince John makes the mistake of calling her fat: