Facebook Friends: Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

I recently cracked the 500 friend plateau on Facebook. That’s right, I am a Facebook Tool. 500 ‘friends’? Is that even possible?

These are friends numbers 157 and 369

500 acquaintances? Sure. 500 people I’m amicable with? Certainly. Friends? Uhh…yea, I don’t think so. While Facebook has certainly proven to be a useful weapon against friendship deterioration due to distance and/or lost time, it’s also developed into this bizarre web-based society that creates social links purely through passing handshakes or shared benches at the airport. If you have over 200 ‘friends’ on Facebook, you are guilty of this. I don’t care how much of a socialite you consider yourself.

Alas, a tragedy struck me sometime today: I dropped back down to 499 amigos. How did I react? The only natural way a 20-something raised in the age of information would…I frantically began searching through my friends list trying to figure out who the hell was missing. I even went as far as clicking on my closer friends’ lists and trying to make a comparison of possible missing faces.

At some point I stopped and realized this is fucking retarded. Firstly, if I can’t realize they are missing, it probably means they won’t be missed. Secondly, IT’S A GODDAMN WEBSITE ADVERTISING A PERSON’S ABILITY TO STALK THE PEOPLE THEY’VE MET AND SHITTY INTERNET GAMES FEATURING UZIS AND COWS (and this wonderful website which you should totally endorse by becoming a fan!) There is really only one logical reason why we all seem to fall victim to this nonsensical waste of time, and I’ve discovered what’s to blame.

Pokemon.

Holy. Shit. What happened to the good ole' days of just 151 of the lil bastards?

That’s right, Pocket Monsters, that insanely popular franchise with increasing numbers of elementally aligned pets who’s sole purpose is to be caught and made to war with each other (it’s Mike Vick’s favorite game!). Somehow, watching that little number above your friends list gradually climb upward fills that little gap in your life leftover from hours chasing Mewtwo through that damn cave. All we need to make this shit complete is a fucking lightning bolt to erupt from my best friend’s head.

It could happen.

‘Blog’ and ‘Tweet’ – Language of Origin..?

A word, if I may, on the words “Tweet” and “Blog”…

Spoken and Written Language are incredibly potent forms of communication that can be quite artistic when used by the right people. Poets, Politicians, Professors, Novelists, and Song Writers have all proven that – when used creatively and correctly – man can create beauty through words, speaking to our inner emotions, fears, and desires through simple sounds and lines on a page.

And then the internet dweebs started pulling words like ‘Tweet’ and ‘Blog’ out their asses.

Are there any less pleasant sounding words currently in common use today that aren’t a part of George Carlin’s ‘Seven Words’? I mean, I realize my mind does go to weird and unholy places sometimes, but am I the only one who immediately relates Blog to Blumpkin and Tweet to Skeet-Skeet-Skeet? I guess that latter comparison makes at least partial sense. After all, ‘Tweeting’ is essentially verbally ejaculating all over the internet’s face for a googly-eyed audience just waiting to gobble up the nonsense Twitter users are shooting out. I’m sure those Twitter users feel a sense of euphoria post-’Tweeting’ because they’ve just shared with the world some mindless emotional tid bit from their life, and web-surfers have become the whores wanting to be shared with again, and again, and again.

Blogs are a different animal. Now, I realize that – by all technicalities -’The Peanut Gallery’ is a blog., but what the hell ever happened to calling such things “personal websites” or hell even “e-journals”? What oh-so-genius moron decided that ‘blog’ was shorthand for ‘personal site’? More importantly, why did ‘writing an article for my blog’ become ‘BLOGGING’??? “Blogging -  the smashing together of ‘Blumpkin’ and ‘Flogging’…that about sums it up.” Thus, in short, pouring your heart out on your e-journal is the physical equivalent to being flogged whilst receiving a blumpkin.

I’m sure my quasi-English Major sensibilities are being tweaked more than the average human being on this, but c’mon people!

 

WTF Wednesdays: Classic Internet Music Videos

So it’s that lovable time of week again where I try to deride or poke fun at some mundane factoid hidden in America’s headlines. Minor problem, the news hasn’t been all that funny lately.

How the high holy heck am I supposed to write a weekly moment of mocking glory if you, the people of this fine world, don’t do anything stupid and dub it newsworthy??? I mean seriously, someone could’ve at least stuck their pecker in a toaster because they were convinced it would get them charged up for happy sex times, but NOOOOOOOOOO, people had to be normal this week. Heavens forbid.

Thus, I’ve decided to look at WTFs of yesteryear…not really WTFs, but to hell with ya’ll. I do what I want. For shits and giggles, here’s 10 music videos I’ve discovered over the years while surfing the internets..ALL OF THEM. For reasons that may seem arbitrary to your feeble minds, I’ve gone ahead and listed them in and order that only makes sense to me, thus creating both a Top 10 AND a WTF? Wednesday. Cower in fear of my great mind…or in fear of what you’re about to see, as a few of these are actually music videos for very popular artists in other countries.

10. Read A Book

I think Lil Jon has missed his calling as a educational rapper. Also, BET is utterly insane for airing this.

9. Run Mr. Taliban

This video is insanely funnier if you just focus on the face they chose for W.

8. Night of Fire

I have nothing to say to that other than THEY’RE 14 YOU PERVERTS. Also, silly me for thinking that this “fat pro wrestler dancing with prepubescent asian girls” thing was a one hit wonder. They did it again, and this time he’s wearing a Donald Duck outfit.

7. Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

It’s my Theme Song!

6. Bang Bang Bang

Maybe if I took more of this approach, number 6 wouldn’t be my theme song…

5. Numa Numa Guy

Greatest lipsynch video EVER.

4. Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass

They had me at ‘Smurfs Gone Wild’

3. Yatta

Japan, you are officially fucked in the head.

2. Star Wars Gangsta Rap

For more shenanigans featuring expletives, here’s the sequel.

Lastly, to be number one, you have to beat number one, and to this day no one has managed to top the rhythmic gyrations of the one, the only Daler Mehndi:

WTF Wednesdays: The CIA didn’t tell everything to Congress?!? GASP.

GRIPPING news from Our Nation’s Capitol today that is sure to crack the very foundations of our great government.

A senior intelligence official admitted the CIA failed to fully inform Congress about some of its activities during the Bush Administration.

DEER. GOD. What would George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Teddy Roosevelt think?!?

'Duck and cover' or 'Kiss my ass'?

Democrats in Congress say there are at least 5 separate occasions where the CIA knowingly and deliberately withheld information from Congressional committees during the 8 years of terro – d’I mean presidential uhhh rule? – of George W Bush. Republicans argue that Democrats are simply trying to lay down a Chewbacca defense for Nancy Pelosi and her claims that the CIA lied to her…

Ladies and gentlemen…WHAT THE FUCK, OVER? It’s the C-FUCKING-I-FUCKING-A. Central Intelligence Agency. The elite group of American spooks. The fucking democratic version of the KGB. We’re talking about tactical espionage, folks. Key word? TACTICS!

Do you, the common American, trust our Congress with tactical secrets that can greatly affect the safety of this nation? Remember people, this is Congress, which is its own ‘Entertainment Tonight’ away from being a full blown reality tv sensation featuring gossip, backstabbing, and bad sex dramas. These people are LEGENDARY for ‘accidental’ leaks of information.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that these United States of America is in better shape when the CIA lies to Nancy Pelosi. The other option..?

Yea, I went there.

Mommy, wow! I’ve got a six-pack now!

Ladies and gentlemen, hope and pray your 5 year old children never go to school with this kid:

Meet Giuliano Stroe. He is 5. He has been working out since he was 2 years old. And he is downright terrifying.

Romanian Giuliano Stroe, five, has been training since the age of two in Italy – where he lives with his family – and now the hard work has finally paid off.

He was entered into the record books earlier this year after performing some impressive ‘hand-walking’ skills to a panel of judges and an astonished audience on an Italian TV show .

The exceptional pre-schooler performed the fastest ever 10m hand walk with a weight ball between his legs to the delight of the studio audience.

I just want to know one thing…WHAT THE HELL IS HIS ABDOMINAL ROUTINE!?!! I mean, does he stick to just straight reps of crunches? Is it a well balanced combination of weight intensified movements and a regimented diet? Or is he the kind of lifter that likes to keep his body guessing and never let it get used to a routine??? DAMMIT I MUST KNOW! I GO ON A CRUISE IN A MONTH!!!

I think I’ve finally found the antithesis to all those soccer moms caking their little girls in make up and hooker scents for all those Little Miss Future High School Slut pageants…

Time to Eat the Dog: The Real Guide to Sustainable Living

I wish I could’ve cooked that title up. Sadly, minds greater than mine generated that string of seemingly clashing terms for a new book they just wrote:

New Zealand authors Robert and Brenda Vale’s book, “Time to Eat the Dog: The Real Guide to Sustainable Living” is an exhaustive analysis of the environmental impact of common pets such as cats and dogs. The authors studied the carbon emissions created by pets, including the ingredients in their food and the land required to grow it. And the results don’t bode well for Fido…

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Your gas guzzling bullet proof battle tank of a Hummer is actually less damaging than Scooby Doo!

It takes 43.3 square meters of land to generate 1 kilogram of chicken per year — far more for beef and lamb — and 13.4 square meters to generate a kilogram of cereals. So that gives him a footprint of 0.84 hectares. For a big dog such as a German shepherd, the figure is 1.1 hectares.

Meanwhile, a Toyota Land Cruiser driven a modest 10,000 kilometers a year, uses 55.1 gigajoules, which includes the energy required both to fuel and to build it. One hectare of land can produce approximately 135 gigajoules of energy per year, so the Land Cruiser’s eco-footprint is about 0.41 hectares — less than half that of a medium-sized dog.

If I’m following this correctly, this suggests that Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears are actually helping to save the world by trading in their Lassies and Chewbaccas for holstering a 12 oz Kick-Me Dog wearing a tu-tu in their alligator leather purses!? Does this mean that I should stop trying to avoid hitting the damn dog that chases my Pathfinder down the road every freakin’ morning because doing so is hurting the environment?

WE SHOULD’VE ALL LISTENED TO BOB BARKER! THAT PROPHETIC MAN KNEW DOOM UPON THE EARTH WOULD COME FROM OUR PETS’ SINFUL WAYS AND UNRULY FORNICATIONS!

Do the world a favor, people. Trade in your Clunker Dog for a Sleek, Bitchin’ Cat!

German shepherds: 1.1 hectares, compared with 0.41ha for a large SUV

Cats: 0.15ha (slightly less than a Volkswagen Golf).

WTF Wednesdays: Indecent Exposure…at home?

Apparently it is now illegal to parade around in your own home bare-assed naked, because someone – heaven’s forbid – might errantly wander passed your humble abode, take a gander through some accidentally left open curtains and see you in all your glory:

Virginia man charged with Indecent Exposure after making coffee while naked in his kitchen.

Twenty-nine-year-old Eric Williamson denies any wrongdoing and says any exposure was accidental.

“Yes, I wasn’t wearing any clothes but I was alone, in my own home and just got out of bed. It was dark and I had no idea anyone was outside looking in at me,” Williamson told MyFoxDC.com in his defense. “I’m a loving dad — any of my friends would tell you that,” Williamson said. “There is not a chance on this planet I would ever, ever do anything like that to a kid.”

Sounds like a mostly rational guy who made an honest mistake, right?

But Fairfax County Police see it differently. Spokeswoman Mary Ann Jennings said the woman and her son first saw Williamson standing naked inside his doorway as they walked along a path outside his home. Police say Williamson then followed the two from inside his home and exposed himself again through a large front window.

OH. MY. GOD. You mean he was moving around in his house while naked? GASP! THE HORRORS!

What the fuck makes this so damn news worthy? Did this child’s mind suddenly snap after seeing this man nude? Did his mother go on a mass murder spree against all exposed genitalia? Was this man doing his best impression of the Evil Monkey in the closet as this woman and her kid walked by?!?

Also, am I the only one who’s completely forgotten he’s naked from time to time? I mean hell, just last week I nearly walked out my front door – pasty white ass reflecting the bright side of the moon – to turn my water heater on…I got the door partially opened before I remember that hey, pants might be a good idea.

Gimme a break, people! Accidental nudity happens, and is sometimes a good thing. It’s how overweight, puss-spewing pimpled, World of Warcraft playing dweebs score on a daily basis with theit hot neighbor next door…with binoculars…and a pair of tweezers……..

….don’t think too hard about that….

The Peanut Gallery Reviews ‘Splosion Man’

Now THIS is a game I can get behind.

Imagine, if you will, a world in which your sole purpose is to ’slpode. No jumping. No hurling fireballs like a fat ass plumber trippin’ on ’shrooms in a half baked attempt to rescue some slut from being boned by a bad cross between a snapping turtle and a horny toad. None of this space marine machismo lunacy with more homosexual undertones than a wrestling match between Goldust and a giant dildo. Just yougleefully ’sploding all over the place, sometimes so violently that you blast through large walls and penetrate deeply with untold amounts of excitement.

This is the realm of ‘Splosion Man. You know all those fancy buttons on your Xbox controller? Yea, fuck those things. Aside from your left joystick, every other button makes you go BOOM: ‘A’ Button? BLAMMY. ‘X’ Button? KABOOMY. ‘Y’ Button? POW-Y. ‘B’ Button? SKEET SKEET SKEET…y…

The game is all about maniacally propelling yourself through platforming and puzzle levels – the latter of which is solved by acrobatic ’splosions around, over, and through obstacles – all the while listening to some of the craziest songs and soundbites ever put into a game. The graphics, the premise, and the soundtrack of this game all seem geared toward causing partial insanity akin to Joker’s laughing gas as you happily blast members of the scientific community into meat steaks.

Story? Who cares! This is “funny HA-HA” violence at its best.

Final Verdict: 9 of 10 Peanuts

The Peanut Gallery Reviews “My Name is Bruce”

If you have heard of the Evil Dead series of films, the basic idea behind this film should make you orgasmic: Bruce Campbell stars as Bruce Campbell trying to save  a country bumpkin population of 300 – convinced by a Campbell uber-fan that Bruce’s experiences from all his movies make him the ideal hero – from a Chinese demigod angered over the destruction of a not-so-ancient burial ground. This setting basically gives Campbell the freedom to return to his Ash ways of bad pick up lines, maniacal overacting, and boomstick happy times.

At least, that’s what I’d hoped for. Instead, ‘My Name is Bruce’ has only further convinced me that there should NEVER be another Evil Dead film. EVER. Why? Because, as much as it saddens me to say this, Bruce Campbell is getting a bit too old to be romping around like a trigger happy crystal meth addict with a penchant for one liners so bad they are glorious.

There is actually a limit to the crazy…and that limit is Campbell’s recently passed 50th birthday. He’s much better these days being a snarky douche to Peter Parker or or trying to out-bad-act Jeffrey Donovan in ‘Burn Notice.’ Trying to overact his bad overacting from the ‘Evil Dead’ films? That causes a catastrophic circular logic error in my brain where his acting becomes so bad it’s good…too good in fact, and thus almost recognizable as acting, which causes it to surrender to its awfulness and become a steaming pile of poo.

The movie has it’s moments, most of which involve Campbell squeezing the love interest’s ass in increasing inopportune times. Unfortunately, these scenes are  immediately interrupted by one of Ted Raimi’s three terrible cameo characters, reminding me that there is, in fact, a reason why he has had to ride brother Sam’s coattails for 20 years.

Yea, I'm in the movie a whole 3 minutes this time! I'm a star!

‘My Name is Bruce’ is not an instant B-Movie classic. It’s a bad parody of a B-Movie classic. How you make a bad parody of an already bad film is beyond me, but congrats to Campbell et al for succeeding.

Final Verdict: 4 of 10 Peanuts

WTF? Wednesdays: LOOK OUT! IT’S A SPORK!

A spork, one of the most deadly weapons known to mankind, was confiscated from a malcontent 6 year old child claiming he “only brought it to school to eat lunch.” The boy was justifiably suspended 45 days for bringing said weapon of mass destruction to his school’s hallowed grounds.

Alas, some whiney liberal pansies complained about the severity of punishment, and wouldn’t you know it the school board reversed it’s decision:

The seven-member board voted unanimously to reduce the punishment for kindergartners and first-graders who bring weapons to school or commit other violent offenses to a suspension ranging from three to five days.

What kind of message are we sending to our children when kids like Zachary Christie are allowed to sidestep the righteous right hand of Justice despite committing such a heinous crime?! These left wing wackos in charge of this school district also ignored a SERRATED KNIFE in the hands of a 5th grader months earlier, believing some half baked excuse of “I brought it to cut a birthday cake.” These people are the very reason why society so easily overlooks teen crime!!!

In all seriousness, WHAT THE FUCK were these morons thinking expelling the kid in the first place? This isn’t nearly as bad as the 7 year old suspended permenantly from his elementary school in Florida for drawing – DRAWING – a picture of his father, a United States Green Beret, holding a gun beneath the American Flag and taping it to his locker. I find it hilarious that Americans are so damn terrified of weapons in their school district that they freely throw logic to the wind in a fit of hysteria when a pointy object is found in a child’s pocket (which makes me even more surprised that more 14-16 year old boys haven’t been mistakenly expelled…).

…Then again, maybe my opinion is slightly skewed by the fact that I went to a high school that allowed a friend of mine to wave around a fully sharpened, very real samurai sword for his physics class final project…dammit, Fuzzy, that shit was terrifying.